Six supposedly safe seats the Tories will hilariously lose in a fortnight

NEW polling suggests the Conservatives could lose up to 300 seats, including these long-standing enclaves of delusional loathing:

Bastardton North, Rutland

In Conservative hands since 1950, this constituency has no voters under the age of 50 and a wall around it to keep strangers away. Normally backs the Tories to the point of the local paper being angry other candidates are on the ballot, until their local MP was caught f**king a tractor. A Russian tractor.

Pantalon-le-Rouge, Oxfordshire

This cradle of the rich, the wealthy and those who look down on them as mere peasants has been solidly Tory since 1865. But, irked by the town centre fountain being sold to China and turned into an open-air sewage reprocessing facility, the locals have turned against their local MP who last visited them in 2020, for a lockdown photoshoot.

Growth-on-Growth, Lincolnshire

This community of low-tax zealots, a Conservative citadel since 1802, is home to more than half of the Daily Telegraph’s opinion writers and economic illiterates. Unable to forgive the betrayal of Liz Truss, still worshipped locally as a fiscal God, they will punish the Tories at the ballot box in the hope their cult can achieve total destruction of the world.

Red Wall Bay, Yorkshire

A fine, upstanding, economically unviable former fishing community, this town has been Tory since 1596 when it was Britain’s largest medical leech supplier. Following the collapse of this, its uranium mines, its asbestos industry, its once-thriving cyanide eyedrop business and Wilko, it blames ethnic minorities. All of them. Even that one.

Genteelbank, Edinburgh

A safe seat since 1084 because its residents are simply too up themselves to vote anything but Conservative, this leafy suburb has long indulged the worst excesses of Tory xenophobia, mismanagement and sexual mania for the right to consider themselves not really Scottish. The Boris Johnson regime helped them accept that the Tories, too, are scum.

Market Forces, Surrey

The seat of Penny Mordaunt, Kemi Badenoch, Suella Braverman, Priti Patel and James Cleverly, all of whom will be kicked out when voters turn to Labour for the first time since 322BC. The population of investment bankers, corporate lawyers and retired foreign despots know which way the wind is blowing. Several ballots will be spoiled by the addition ‘no hard feelings xx’.

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Gen Zer wishes they'd stop ruining woke messages by putting TV shows in them

A TEENAGER who was looking forward to watching a woke message feels it was ruined by the makers blatantly shoehorning in characters and a storyline.

Ryan Whittaker, 19, had been enjoying the latest Doctor Who social engineering video with its unambiguous message that diversity is good, when it clumsily introduced a storyline about aliens and time travel.

Whittaker said: “I’d got really into the range of ethnicities and sexualities that were a positive example for any modern workplace, when suddenly an alien shapeshifter was threatening to destroy all life in the universe.

“Like, where did that come from? I don’t think a painfully obvious woke message is the appropriate place for Russell T Davies to blatantly insert his own science fiction narrative. Especially if young children are watching who don’t even know what an Osiran is.

“I’m not against dramas having stories in, I just thought it was really unsubtle. The episode about all white people being racist had a story of sorts, but it was totally forgettable and you didn’t care about any of the characters. That’s good writing.”

It is not the first time Whittaker has had his viewing pleasure spoilt recently by characters having to overcome challenges in an exciting and visually interesting way.

He said: “Apparently larger people can have sex too. I never knew that, so Bridgerton was a real learning experience for me. I’m going to tell all the plump people I know in case they didn’t see it.

“But then they bolted on a load of plotlines about secrets and love affairs in a sumptuous historical setting. It totally takes you out of the message.”