Sorry, didn’t realise you were all a bunch of history nerds

THE prime minister has apologised for leaving the D-Day service early but he was unaware that you were all a lame bunch of history swots. 

Having annoyed the whole country by skipping an event commemorating the 80th anniversary of the Normandy landings to do a self-serving interview with ITV, the prime minister has added insult to injury labelling you all tragic history boffins.

He said: “I bet you used to get a boner over Time Team as well, didn’t you? Pathetic.

“Look, I’m sorry for flying home from a dreary service about some olden times people, but my job is to look forwards, not backwards. If anything you should be applauding me for my drive and initiative.

“Everyone makes mistakes, so I was bound to make one eventually. It’s just unfortunate that my first and only misstep collided with your fusty obsession. We won, okay, no need to bang on about it forever.

“Should I not do my job on important historical dates? It’s the signing of the Magna Carta in a few days, would you like me to take that day off too? Or do you only care about the past if there are loads of movies made about it? Help me to help you.

“Anyway, some of us have jobs to do instead of dwelling sentimentally on the past. I look forward to you voting for me on July 4th.”

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Are you attending the society wedding of the year, drunk and in sweatpants with fag in hand?

TODAY the Duke of Westminster marries in the society wedding of the year. But due to a horrendous mix-up have you been invited, even though you’re scum? Find out:

A) Lorraine, This Morning, Loose Women, switch over for Car SOS, switch back for Dickinson’s Real Deal, Lingo, Tipping Point, The Chase. Accompanied by cans.

B) Invite came in for some do so me and our Shaun are putting on the glad rags and heading over there. Free food, innit? He’s bringing coke, MDMA and the ket.

Where are you going?

A) F**k’s it got to do with you? But yeah, forgot it’s that cow Hammond on this morning so I’ll pop out to Greggs for a fancy lunch. Treat myself.

B) Says here Chester Cathedral. Wedding of Duke and Olivia. Olivia’s alright as a name, there’s one at our Chensey’s school, but Duke? Bit of a dog’s name you ask me.

Who is in attendance?

A) As bleeding usual there’s Goth Andy, that prick Hadi who reckons I owe him 50 quid and can piss off, and Fibs. We call him that cause we defibrillated him on the floor of the saloon bar once.

B) Nobody you’d know. There’s some bald bloke looks familiar on his own, a load of f**kwits in soldier uniforms, and all the birds are so thin they can’t shit. Drink’s free though, so won’t able to see the twats in 40 minutes.

What’s happening now?

A) Yeah, went down the pub didn’t I? And Hadi was on the poker machine as usual, lost £200 then said it was illegal and he was reporting Keith? Then Keith comes out with the machete he took off Jezanne when she found out about Connor’s wife? And it kicked off.

B) Some shit-boring speeches by knobheads who sound like they’re being choked when they talk. I’ve lit up a spliff. Nobody’s taking it when I offer, so more for me.

How did the day end?

A) Some f**ker called the bizzies, as usual. I made it out the back and got home.

B) How the f**k should I know? There was a free bar. I’m hardly not going to black out, am I? But I’m pretty sure I squared up to that one who’s on the internet for pegging.


Mostly As: You were not invited to the society wedding of the year. All is as it should be. Please try to remain in your home in future.

Mostly Bs: In error, because Harry and Meghan pulled out at the last minute, you were invited to the society wedding of the year. And you had a wonderful time.