South to be 'levelled down' to level of North

PROSPEROUS Southern towns are to be systematically run down to the same level as deprived ‘Red Wall’ Northern towns, it has been announced.

The government hopes the move will finally make good on their promise that ‘We are all in this together’, as well as defusing North-South resentment and helping restore national unity.

Prime minister Rishi Sunak said: “I get it. You’re living in one of these godforsaken Northern towns, Workington or Hoghole or Dogdirt, and everything’s boarded up thanks to decades of wokery and the EU.

“You see images of Southern people with their conservatories and double garages and big gardens in places like Tunbridge Wells and you think, ‘‘Eh oop! That’s not fair, by t’ecky thump!’

“We thought about levelling up but that’s not fiscally realistic after Truss. There are no magic money trees, the credit card has maxed out and we can’t afford it as a national household.

“So instead we’re going to introduce economically suicidal policies, funneling money and resources to a vanishingly tiny super-elite which ensures that currently well-to-do towns in Kent, Surrey and Sussex are reduced to the sort of run-down shitholes you get up North.”

“The great thing is, as 2016 and 2019 show, when communities are left to rot they’re even more inclined to vote Brexit or Tory. 

“So let’s get levelling down until even the most picturesque village in the Cotswolds is just vape shops and spice addicts.”

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Six people who need to f**k off out of the bathroom

IS your bathroom a constant battleground for use of the toilet and mirror? Here are some loved ones and guests who really need to stop faffing around in there.

Your teenage son

Look, kiddo, squeezing your disgusting spots won’t result in a Beverly Hills 90201 complexion – actually more of an Edward James Olmos look in the future – and a minor change to your hairstyle with some gel won’t help you lose your virginity. Your dad knows these things. He was in chess club and did a lot of wanking.

Your partner (male)

Oh God it’s disgusting to think about. He’s got himself nice and comfy on the toilet and he’s thoroughly enjoying a poo as if it’s both a sensual experience and a significant life achievement. He’ll probably admire it when he’s done. He’s taken his Andy McNab book in there, so you can forget about brushing your teeth until Andy’s finished taking out an Iraqi armoured personnel carrier.

Your partner (female) 

She’s having a long, relaxing soak, the cow. You’ve tried explaining your skin can get waterlogged and fall off, like in that shark film you made her watch, but she just says ‘F**k off’ through the bathroom door. It rankles because, as a man, you’re in and out of there in seconds like a well-rehearsed SAS operation.

Plumber or electrician

It would be inhumane to deny them use of the toilet, but they have broken a sacred bond between homeowner and lavatory. No stranger must be allowed to violate the sanctity of your toilet seat with their big hairy arse. You should have made them drive to the nearest Costa, even if you look as if you’ve got rampant Howard Hughes-style germophobia.

Your daughter 

You can only guess at how many of her 300 or so compulsory grooming processes she’s completed, ranging from invisible leg hair removal to applications of moisturiser and Clearasil. Can anyone see into your back garden? Because your bladder’s reaching critical mass and you might have to have a slash behind the garage, hopefully without ending up on the sex offenders register.

Visiting elderly parents 

As time ticks by, you have ask WHAT THE F**K IS YOUR ELDERLY DAD DOING IN THERE? Okay, your bowels probably seize up a bit in old age, but it’s been 25 minutes. Probably he’s up to one of his annoyingly pointless habits like taking the lid off the cistern to ‘check’ it. Great, he’s just added another level of aggravation by making you realise you’ll regret these harsh thoughts if he’s actually dead.