Five celebrities you honestly thought were already dead

CELEBRITY deaths are always a sad event, unless they’re one of these famous people you’re amazed haven’t popped their clogs yet.

That kid from The Sixth Sense

He was everywhere 30 years ago, in Forrest Gump and A.I and possibly even some good films too. A young actor of that calibre would surely still be on the big screen if he were alive, wouldn’t he? Well he is. You’d subconsciously written him off as an OD or similar, although that might have been preferable to Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

John Cleese

You know some of the Pythons are already dead, but has Cleese shuffled off this mortal coil? Palin’s definitely still around because he still pops up on chat shows, whereas the Fawlty Towers star doesn’t even appear in shit like Rat Race anymore. Oh hang on, he’s on GB News droning on about ‘cancel culture’. Phew, that’s a relief.

The Pope

Even a freshly-appointed pope doesn’t look like they’ve got many years left in the tank. Once the church chooses the next one you’ll take one look at them and be amazed when they’re still not dead years later. The Vatican really needs to hire a hip young Pope to attract modern young people who believe in demons and don’t like sex.

James Earl Jones

Disney’s got other people to do the voice of Darth Vader in crap Star Wars spin-offs, so this respected actor is probably dead, right? Nope, he’s not become a Force ghost yet, he’s alive and well. However Green Cross Code Man David Prowse died quite recently, sadly, after a lifetime of wishing Lord Vader had had a Somerset accent.

The Cheeky Girls

You dimly recall that one of the Romanian singing duo was engaged to Lib Dem MP and superlative twat Lembit Opik, but what about the other one? Did she meet her doom at the hands of one-hit-wonder stardom and excess? That would explain why the other twin’s career never reached the dizzying heights of ‘Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum)’. Only death could stop that raw talent.

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'Motherf**ker' and other American swear words British people can't get away with

BRITAIN leads the world in swearing, until British people attempt to say things that Americans would call ‘cuss words’. Like these:


Given that we in the UK already have the vastly superior phrase ‘arsehole’, there’s really no need to be pronouncing the word ‘ass’ at all. If you do decide to demean yourself, bear in mind that you don’t sound like Bruce Willis in Die Hard, you sound like a bellend who says ‘gotten’ to give the impression you spend half your time in LA.


Excessive use of this most colourful of swear words works very well if you’re Samuel L Jackson threatening Tim Roth with a gun in Pulp Fiction, but just sounds pathetic if you’re a pissed up estate agent arguing with a bouncer outside a club in Swansea. Just call him a wanker, it’ll sound better.


In use in America since the 60s but Brits don’t seem bothered about douching their vaginas, or keep quiet about it. However ‘douchebag’ made the leap to the UK in the late 90s thanks to films like American Pie. It never sounds right coming out of a British mouth, and it would have been better if they’d kept it, along with their shit film and its endless godawful sequels.


Just like your granny, there are some Americans who don’t like swearing and aren’t prepared to utter anything worse than ‘darn’. The British equivalent is ‘damn’ which is short for ‘damnation’ and means condemnation to eternal punishment in hell rather than mending socks. Even our most pathetic swearwords are infinitely superior to theirs.


Whether used to convey the fact that you think someone is weak or a pathetic way to refer to a woman’s genitalia, British people really can’t pull this off. Anyway, we have the word ‘twat’ which is one of the best swear words of all time, and which Americans find impossible to pronounce correctly for some reason. It’s not ‘twot’, you damn arsehole wankers.