The Brexiter's guide to punishing all the traitors

JEREMY Corbyn is conspiring with other MPs to thwart a no-deal Brexit. Here apocalyptically furious Brexiter Roy Hobbs describes some punishments the traitors should face.

Send Corbyn into exile on his allotment

Much as Napoleon was exiled to Elba, Corbyn would be kept under armed guard on his allotment. To stop him enjoying it he’d be made to grow pigs instead of vegetables and eat normal bacon sandwiches instead of poncy metropolitan elite vegetable bakes.

Make them do proper jobs 

This would be a really good punishment for sneering Remainer MPs. Imagine going to a Greggs in Stoke and saying to Anna Soubry: “Give me five sausage rolls, three chicken slices and a steak bake, you stuck-up cow.” I’d love that, especially if Keir Starmer had to come round and unblock my toilet the next day.

Hanging, drawing and quartering 

Now we’re talking. This gruesome medieval punishment would be an excellent deterrent to Brexit treachery, judging by the excellent film Braveheart, in which a ruthless Scottish terrorist is brought to justice by the British Army. 

Communist-style re-education 

I’m no Leftie but I think we should put all the traitors in camps and teach them how brilliant Brexit is. I’d strap them into chairs and force them to watch Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party speeches on a loop for 72 hours at a time. Hang on, is that a punishment? I’d love it.

A spot of the Mussolini treatment

I’m not suggesting killing anyone, just leave them hanging upside on a garage forecourt like poor old Benito. It’d be hilarious to watch them wriggling and say “You lost, get over it!” when you pop into a BP garage for some petrol and a Twix. Assuming you can still buy petrol and food after Brexit.

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Man thinks 'You look better without makeup' is a compliment

A MAN is under the impression that telling women they look better without makeup is a fantastic compliment.

Wayne Hayes firmly believes that informing female friends and acquaintances they could look better than they currently do is something they will love to hear.

IT support worker Hayes said: “I expect they’re really flattered that I’m giving them my input about their makeup they’ve chosen to spend quite a lot of time putting on.

“I genuinely think they look better without all that shit on their face. I’m a really strong feminist in that respect, which I’m sure the ladies appreciate.

“Yes, some of them might think they look good with makeup, which is why they choose to wear it, but luckily I can see their natural beauty and put them right.”

Woman Helen Archer said: “I don’t wear makeup to get a response from men. I wear it because I like it, and because of a complex network of societal pressures.

“I definitely don’t need the input of a bellend like Wayne – who has also voiced his preference for ‘big natural tits’ – when I’ve just spent 20 minutes getting ready.”