JEREMY Corbyn is conspiring with other MPs to thwart a no-deal Brexit. Here apocalyptically furious Brexiter Roy Hobbs describes some punishments the traitors should face.
Send Corbyn into exile on his allotment
Much as Napoleon was exiled to Elba, Corbyn would be kept under armed guard on his allotment. To stop him enjoying it he’d be made to grow pigs instead of vegetables and eat normal bacon sandwiches instead of poncy metropolitan elite vegetable bakes.
Make them do proper jobs
This would be a really good punishment for sneering Remainer MPs. Imagine going to a Greggs in Stoke and saying to Anna Soubry: “Give me five sausage rolls, three chicken slices and a steak bake, you stuck-up cow.” I’d love that, especially if Keir Starmer had to come round and unblock my toilet the next day.
Hanging, drawing and quartering
Now we’re talking. This gruesome medieval punishment would be an excellent deterrent to Brexit treachery, judging by the excellent film Braveheart, in which a ruthless Scottish terrorist is brought to justice by the British Army.
I’m no Leftie but I think we should put all the traitors in camps and teach them how brilliant Brexit is. I’d strap them into chairs and force them to watch Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party speeches on a loop for 72 hours at a time. Hang on, is that a punishment? I’d love it.
A spot of the Mussolini treatment
I’m not suggesting killing anyone, just leave them hanging upside on a garage forecourt like poor old Benito. It’d be hilarious to watch them wriggling and say “You lost, get over it!” when you pop into a BP garage for some petrol and a Twix. Assuming you can still buy petrol and food after Brexit.