Even foetus embarrassed by hideous 'gender reveal party'

A PARTY to reveal the gender of an unborn child is such a horrible, attention-seeking event that even the foetus in question is cringing.

Parents-to-be Emma Bradford and Martin Bishop invited all their family and friends to the occasion because they love to jump on any trendy new bandwagon and like being given free stuff.

The as-yet-unnamed foetus said: “I can tell from in here it’s a totally toe-curling event. I can’t believe these tw*ts are going to be my parents. 

“I’m just so embarrassed by the whole thing. I think I heard Emma saying she wanted everyone to ‘share in this priceless moment of joy’. Pass the f*cking sick bag. 

“I’m just a half-formed human the size of a small potato and I’m cringing. And if they’re milking it now, it looks like my entire life is going to be on Facebook. Thanks a lot, guys.”

Guest Francesca Johnson said: “I’ve just about managed to accept that baby showers have sadly become the norm, but I’m not happy about having to sit through this utter bullsh*t too.

“I don’t care if it’s a girl or a boy. Either way it’s going to be an annoying little bastard that ruins social occasions and is the subject of endless tedious chat for the next 20 years at least.”

 

Recruitment agency claims nice bloke is evidence of 'diversity'

A RECRUITMENT company is using the only nice person in their office as an example of a minority.

The firm took on Stephen Malley after he failed to tell any bullsh*t stories in his interview and refused to be loud and obnoxious in a pub on his probationary night out.

Managing director Roy Hobbs said: “Stephen comes from a different background to the rest of us, and that’s great.

“We’re committed to being a diverse company, and part of that is understanding how non-traditional recruiters can benefit the business – and how we can help them grow into their role of being a tw*t.

“I’m the first to admit I’m struggling with the way he gives people honest advice and follows up emails in a genuine way, but I’m not afraid to explore other cultures.

“I feel like we’ve got so much to learn from Stephen and we’re looking forward to the future with him on the team, talking b*llocks like the rest of us.”

Malley said: “It’s so horrible I handed in my notice today. I hope this doesn’t mean they’ll run me over in an Audi.”