Wednesday, 3rd June 2020

The Wetherspoons customer's guide to a no-deal Brexit

ARE you a pants-wetting Remoaner who’s worried about no-deal Brexit? Here Wetherspoons regular Norman Steele answers your questions at 10am with a pint.

Should I be worried about food shortages?

Fuck off. We’ll grow our own food. All you need is soil and seeds, and male animals and lady animals. I wish Remoaners would stop overcomplicating things.

If there’s a short-term problem - which there won’t be - we can always do a Dunkirk and get our brave ‘little ships’ to go to a supermarket in Calais. I’m getting choked up just thinking about it.

Could there be civil unrest?

There will be if May’s traitor’s deal goes through. Me, Brian and Dave have agreed to make petrol bombs and do a riot. This is in no way bullshit pisshead bravado caused by 11 pints in Spoons.

Are we heading for an economic disaster? It certainly looks like it.

Project Fear 3.0, mate. Sony may be fucking off but we’ll just make better tellies. They’ll probably be totally interactive so you can shag Keeley Hawes in Bodyguard

Should I start stockpiling medicines I need?

Nah. We’re a plucky, ‘can do’ nation. Make your own medicines from whatever you’ve got in the house. A few aspirins here, a bit of Benylin there. If you’re still feeling peaky have a few pints in Spoons.

In any case, we survived the war. Missing a few heart attack pills is nothing to this bulldog race who laughed in the face of U-boat attacks.

Why do you keep irrelevantly and offensively mentioning the war?

Because it’s the finest moment in our proud island history. Also I don’t know any other history because the kings-and-queens rubbish on History channel hasn’t got tanks or the SS.

No, seriously, what if I lose my job?

What’s the problem? More time to spend in Spoons.