The Wetherspoons customer's guide to a no-deal Brexit

ARE you a pants-wetting Remoaner who’s worried about no-deal Brexit? Here Wetherspoons regular Norman Steele answers your questions at 10am with a pint.

Should I be worried about food shortages?

Fuck off. We’ll grow our own food. All you need is soil and seeds, and male animals and lady animals. I wish Remoaners would stop overcomplicating things.

If there’s a short-term problem – which there won’t be – we can always do a Dunkirk and get our brave ‘little ships’ to go to a supermarket in Calais. I’m getting choked up just thinking about it.

Could there be civil unrest?

There will be if the EU doesn’t stop trying it on. Me, Brian and Dave have agreed to make petrol bombs and do a riot. This is in no way bullshit pisshead bravado caused by 11 pints in Spoons.

Are we heading for an economic disaster? It certainly looks like it.

Project Fear 3.0, mate. Sony may be fucking off but we’ll just make better tellies. They’ll probably be totally interactive so you can shag Keeley Hawes in whatever crime drama she’s in now

Should I start stockpiling medicines I need?

Nah. We’re a plucky, ‘can do’ nation. Make your own medicines from whatever you’ve got in the house. A few aspirins here, a bit of Benylin there. If you’re still feeling peaky have a few pints in Spoons.

In any case, we survived the war. Missing a few heart attack pills is nothing to this bulldog race who laughed in the face of U-boat attacks.

Why do you keep irrelevantly and offensively mentioning the war?

Because it’s the finest moment in our proud island history. Also I don’t know any other history because the kings-and-queens rubbish on History channel hasn’t got tanks or the SS.

No, seriously, what if I lose my job?

What’s the problem? More time to spend in Spoons.

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Woman on payday acting like eccentric heiress

A WOMAN who has just been paid  is acting like an eccentric heiress from the 1920s, it has emerged.

Upon checking her bank balance, Helen Archer immediately purchased two hats, a fake fur scarf, a ‘Balinese bamboo facial’ and returned from her lunch break clutching a tiny dog.

Colleague Joanna Kramer said: “She offered to buy me a coffee, and when we got to the counter she added a cake as well.

“She told the guy to ‘keep the change’ even though it was £14.70. And for some reason she was wearing sunglasses even though it had been raining for three days.

“I’m not sure why she does it. We literally do the same job and get paid the same. The only difference is I have to lend her fifty quid every three and a half weeks.”