Things you can and can't do we've just pulled out of our arse

WITH lockdown restrictions easing, you might be confused as to what you can do and can’t. Here are the government’s hastily cobbled-together plans explained.


Stay away overnight with someone from your support bubble

This means: have a shag. Choose your porking partner wisely because you’re stuck with them and you don’t want one that thinks everything except missionary is perverted or, at the other end of the spectrum, likes to have sex while dressed as Darth Maul.

Go to a campsite

If your idea of the perfect holiday is recreating Mike Leigh’s Nuts in May or being trapped in a Welsh static caravan park that resembles Stalag Luft, you’re in luck. 

Become a hippy

There’s nothing about becoming a dreadlocked, middle-class dropout that particularly increases the risk of coronavirus, so long as you socially distance while buying Rizlas or food for your dog, Ozric.


Visit casinos or soft play areas

Which is a f**king blessing in disguise because the former will leave you full of regret at losing so much money, and the latter will leave you full of regret at meeting a partner and having kids. 

Interact socially with anyone outside your two-household group

Good luck remembering this one when half the nation goes on a crazed drinking binge one millisecond after the pubs open. However if you fear foreigners, ethnic minorities and outsiders in general, this is a great opportunity to create a tiny, insular, Brexit dream-society.

Join Led Zeppelin

Regardless of coronavirus, your chances of joining Led Zeppelin are non-existent, due to them splitting up years ago and you not having the talent to write ‘Stairway to Heaven’. On the upside you won’t have to listen to Jimmy Page’s crap about Aleister Crowley.

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Britain's problem is it's full of twats, say experts

FROM useless wanker politicians to the f**kwitted man-in-the-street the UK’s main problem is that it is full of twats, research has found. 

The Institute for Studies calculated the rate of twats in the population, concluding that up to 94 per cent of Britons are quietly wrecking the nation in their own twattish ways.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Initially we believed the UK’s long-term issues stemmed from distinct events like coronavirus or the decline of industry, but the actual cause is twats.

“It goes without saying that Matt Hancock is a twat, but below him are tens of millions of lower-level twats, from the creators of the meerkat adverts to my neighbour who burns tyres in his garden at midnight on a Saturday.

“Why does a hairdresser need to open at midnight on the eve of July 4th? That’s just being a twat. Who charters a plane to fly a ‘White lives matter’ banner? Only a weapons-grade twat.”

Professor Brubaker then listed many other types of twat, including 5G conspiracy theorists, Laurence Fox, terrorists, Owen Jones, Audi drivers and people in ukulele orchestras before kicking a bin across the room.

Twat Wayne Hayes said: “Professor Brainbox can f**k right off. Anyway I’m off to ride my quad bike round peaceful countryside, tearing it right up.”