Wednesday, 28th October 2020

Boris Johnson's patronising guide to how long a metre is

METRES aren’t British, so no true patriot should be able to remember how long they are without help. Use these sturdy pointers: 

Halve our previous nonsense

It’s an empirical fact that three fridges are the same length as two metres, so simply chop that in half and you’re good to go. Take a chainsaw to your own fridge if you’re unable to visualise that.

Richard Osman’s legs

Even though the teatime TV colossus is two metres tall, we can’t put him out to pasture just yet. Neatly sever him at the beltline and keep the distance of his disembodied legs away from anyone when out and about. For added protection, think of his groin.

Pretend you’re near someone repulsive

I’ve got first hand experience of people keeping their distance from unsavoury individuals. Imagine everyone else is a scruffy, sexually incontinent buffoon with no regard for honour or decency, and you’re probably already more than a metre away from them.

Picture 1,000 millimetres

Lots of little equally-sized millimetres laid out in a row are much easier to picture than something as vast and unwieldy as a metre. Anyone using superior Imperial measurement like myself will of course picture one thousand 0.039 inches instead.

11-and-a-half pints

The diameter of the top of a pint glass is 8.7cm, so line up eleven with a cheeky half as a chaser and you’re keeping the safe distance. Now imagine how refreshing they’ll taste on July 4th. Now promise me you’ll never vote anything but Conservative.