Boris Johnson's patronising guide to how long a metre is

METRES aren’t British, so no true patriot should be able to remember how long they are without help. Use these sturdy pointers: 

Halve our previous nonsense

It’s an empirical fact that three fridges are the same length as two metres, so simply chop that in half and you’re good to go. Take a chainsaw to your own fridge if you’re unable to visualise that.

Richard Osman’s legs

Even though the teatime TV colossus is two metres tall, we can’t put him out to pasture just yet. Neatly sever him at the beltline and keep the distance of his disembodied legs away from anyone when out and about. For added protection, think of his groin.

Pretend you’re near someone repulsive

I’ve got first hand experience of people keeping their distance from unsavoury individuals. Imagine everyone else is a scruffy, sexually incontinent buffoon with no regard for honour or decency, and you’re probably already more than a metre away from them.

Picture 1,000 millimetres

Lots of little equally-sized millimetres laid out in a row are much easier to picture than something as vast and unwieldy as a metre. Anyone using superior Imperial measurement like myself will of course picture one thousand 0.039 inches instead.

11-and-a-half pints

The diameter of the top of a pint glass is 8.7cm, so line up eleven with a cheeky half as a chaser and you’re keeping the safe distance. Now imagine how refreshing they’ll taste on July 4th. Now promise me you’ll never vote anything but Conservative.

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Why bother with pubs when we can get pissed in our gardens for half the price? asks Britain

BRITONS have admitted they cannot imagine why they would bother with pubs when it is so much cheaper to get shitfaced in the garden. 

The country’s drinkers have looked at the risks associated with pubs, including the risk that they may have to wait ten minutes between drinks, and decided to play it safe in their own personal beer gardens.

Emma Bradford said: “My patio may lack the atmosphere of a classic British boozer, but I can have three chilled bottles of wine for the price of one in a pub. That makes up for it.

“There’s no risk of catching anything off the glasses, especially not by the time I’m swigging straight from the bottle.

“And I’m not sure I trust drunk people to wash their hands for 20 seconds after a piss. Or to  wash their hands at all. Or be able to count to 20.”

Publican Norman Steele said: “We’ve been kept in business hundreds of years because Britain was afraid to drink alone.

“Now they’ve found out how great it is, we’re doomed.”