Prince Andrew to officiate at grand reopening of Woking Pizza Express

THE Duke of York will officially reopen the Woking branch of Pizza Express when it begins serving again on July 4th.

Though forcibly retired from public life, the Prince is keen to show his support for the British business that helped him in his darkest hour by cutting the ribbon on the restaurant he famously patronised on March 10th, 2001.

A Royal spokesman said: “The Duke does not often visit chain restaurants on the outskirts of London but he remembers that visit very fondly and in great detail, so was delighted to be asked.

“After the reopening ceremony he will eat a meal, remarking frequently on his feelings of déjà vu as he bites into the dough balls and loudly recognising fixtures and fittings from last time.”

Woking councillor Bill McKay said: “He’s calm, works well under pressure, doesn’t produce unnecessary body fluids — he really encapsulates the ‘Stay Alert’ message. And we know that keeping a metre or more from others just won’t be an issue for him.”

The Prince’s visit will be commemorated with timestamped photographs and signed eyewitness accounts.

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Hairdressers to open because you all look like shit: the definitive list of what's opening, what's not, and why

THE Goverment has announced everything that will be reopening to the British public from July 4th. Here’s the definitive list, with explanations: 


Pubs, because you’ll need to be pissed to cope with the second wave

Restaurants, because some people are so fancy they need to eat while they get pissed

Hairdressers, because you all look like shit

Places of worship, because we respect the hustle

Cinemas, same

Museums, because the way things are going we’ll have to send half the loot back soon

Social clubs, because they’re pubs

Arcades, because fruit machines and toy grabbers are a social good

Campsites, because seeing you settle for that when you had a villa in Sicily booked will be hilarious

Caravan parks, because they’re basically gatherings of far-right geriatrics, we’ve got Brexit coming and need the support

Fairs, because the blokes who run them scare the shit out of us


Schools, which pisses us right off but apparently they’re 30 kids to a broom cupboard these days

Swimming pools, because nobody’s ready to see you mostly naked for at least another six months

Spas, because come on, they’re bollocks

Gyms, because you’ve either proved you can either work out without them or proved you’d rather f**king not

Nail salons, because we can’t spare the masks

Nightclubs, because it’s so much healthier for young people to attend good, honest illegal raves in the open air

Bowling alleys, because that shoes thing urgh and they’re not even good ironically

Theatres and orchestral performances, because if you thought a lone person in the audience coughing ruined them before then imagine it now