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Trump to swear through rest of f**king presidency

PRESIDENT f**king Trump is to call an asshole a motherf**king asshole through his remaining years in the bastard White House, he has confirmed.

Following Trump’s accusation that Israel and Iran ‘don’t know what the f**k they’re doing’, the president is to transition into leading an administration that is obscene in its daily pronouncements and not just its actions.

Aide Joe Turner said: “He’s basically shifting from being a 1970s Godfather Mafia boss to a 1990s Goodfellas Mafia boss. In a way it’s progress.

“Look forward to hearing about ‘that cocksucker Zelensky’, ‘this two-bit son of a whore corrupt judge blocking my deportations’ and of course it all being the fault of ‘that ratf**king pole-smoking piece of shit Joe Biden’.

“The State of the Motherf**king Union address will be unbroadcastable. He’ll call into Fox News stringing so many racial slurs into one sentence they’ll think he’s a trucker. Even the drive-thru at McDonald’s will be told to go piss up a f**kin’ rope.

“From now until he suspends elections because ‘it’s a state of goddamn emergency, you dumb shitf**ks’ it will be a four-letter presidency all the way. And bringing so much dignity to the office.”

Trump said: “What the f**k, I can’t get a f**kin’ Diet Coke over here? You lazy cocksuckers f**king die? Anyway, October’s fine for a papal visit, Your Holiness. But no nice-to-the-poor bullshit.”

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Charm of child on Zoom call rapidly dissipating

THE novelty of a toddler interrupting a professional Zoom call is waning fast, all participants confirmed.

Despite having initially charmed attendees with his youthful antics, the accidental presence of three-year-old Jack Browne during a remote work call is quickly becoming a source of irritation among everyone who has dialled in.

Meeting host Joanna Kramer said: “Sure, we all cooed at Jack like we’d just seen a baby otter when he first came romping in. We may be corporate ghouls but we’re not heartless monsters.

“His routine needs work though. Bursting in to smash a Jaffa Cake over his mum’s face was a solid opener, but then he descended into tedious gurglings about bums and farts. You should always leave us wanting more, kid.”

Colleague Martin Bishop said: “As soon as I realised we were never going to go viral with Jack showing us his dinosaur toys and demonstrating how they would poop, I began to lose interest. You can only get away with sabotaging a Q2 sales report if you can secure us top billing on the BuzzFeed homepage.

“Credit where it’s due though, throwing Lego bricks at the webcam and screaming ‘I hate spreadsheets’ was the first honest contribution we’ve had in months.”

Browne’s mum Nikki said: “I really thought endless deafening shrieks would be a crowd-pleaser. But at least we’ve got notes to work with for next time.”

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