We ask you: has Sunak met his pledge to poll lower than inflation?

THE prime minister pledged that his popularity would always be lower than UK inflation, which has fallen to two per cent. Has he kept his promise? 

Eleanor Shaw, librarian: “Inflation’s two per cent, Sunak’s personal popularity is at negative 59 per cent. He’s kept his side of the bargain and I’ll keep mine by not voting for him.”

Martin Bishop, statistician: “Two per cent inflation merely means that goods are rising in price more slowly, not getting cheaper. Likewise staying steady on 21 points behind doesn’t mean hatred for the Tories isn’t deepening as time goes on.”

Grace Wood-Morris, crystal healer: “What if Sunak’s linked to inflation by a curse, like index funds? And when it falls he gets shorter?”

Sue Trahene, biochemist: “They can’t take credit because inflation’s fallen everywhere, even in countries that have never felt the shadow of the Conservatives that blights the land and stops crops growing.”

Joanna Kramer, file clerk: “I think this is one area where the traditional British support for the underdog will be laid aside.”

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Fact-checkers flummoxed by mate's anecdote about epic night out

THE nation’s fact checkers are still attempting to verify thousands of claims related to an apparently legendary night out your mate has told you about. 

Data analysts have been reduced to exhausted husks slumped over laptops after 72 hours trying to separate fact from fiction as Tom Booker’s torrent of unsourced assertions continued unabated.

Fact checker Norman Steele said: “Even staying on top of Trump’s relentless bullshit was nothing compared to this.

“We have been able to establish that the Market Tavern, while adjacent to Preston’s famous covered market, is not ‘where the models hang out’ or ‘Dua Lipa’s local’. Consequently it seems unlikely she was there, though that’s not proven.

“Nor have Korean scientists created a new form of MDMA crossed with Viagra, and even if they did it would not enable the user to drink 15 pints without consequence, let alone maintain a ‘massive stonk-on’ throughout.

“Even the more trivial claims, like flirting with the barmaid flirting or carrying a six-drink round to the table without spilling a drop, are unverifiable and probably fabrications. And while he is called Tom, evidence suggests he is not actually your mate.

“At no point did he board a superyacht. Nobody is considering as the next James Bond. Rita Ora was not present, nor was ‘that Emily Ratajowlsky’. Our working hypothesis is that he drank four pints alone before going home for a wank.”

Booker said: “Don’t listen to them, it all totally happened. You missed a mad one.”