YOUR elderly parents have admitted they only voted for Brexit because they have been in the pay of Russia for 40 years, and your real surname is Denisovich.
After the prime minister told a podcast that Russia interfered with the Brexit referendum, you called your parents only for them to confirm they are Soviet-era sleeper agents who have been living under false identities since 1983.
Your mother said: “I’m just glad the truth is out, dear. For the last decade everyone’s believed the horrible smear that we voted to leave because we’re racist.
“No, what actually happened was we’ve been here in Buntingford since being transferred from Moscow by Andropov, to infiltrate the British state. That’s why your father was so high up in the Rotary Club that he was their Santa for a record 17 years.
“They didn’t give us any specific guidelines on how to subvert the West after Andropov died and the Soviet era ended, so we sort of extended our tendrils into instruments of the state by signing up for an allotment and doing am-dram.
“Anyway, you could have knocked us down with a feather in 2016 when our secret radio crackled into life and it was Putin, telling us to vote leave and push for a no-deal Brexit to weaken the EU and destabilise NATO! We were so pleased. It’s nice to feel useful.
“No hard feelings love, it’s just that capitalism is a dehumanising system designed to reduce the individual to a cog in a consumerist machine. Yes, I know we grounded you when you said that at sixth form, but that was for cover.”
She added: “Are you coming over on Sunday? Your dad’s doing a leg of lamb.”
