We're definitely getting our shit together this time, babbles Britain before snorting big fat line of nationalism

THE UK has sworn to the EU it will definitely take this chance to sort itself out before doing a shitload of nationalism in the bogs.

After begging for one last opportunity to be the rational, serious country it knows it can be, the UK won a three-week extension and celebrated by fucking itself up on patriotism hard.

Britain said: “This time I mean it, I promise. I’ll just do one more bowl of single-handedly winning World War 2 and then I’m on the straight and narrow.

“I admit I’ve gone kind of crazy on the old Union Jacks recently, but it’s been a tough time. I won’t go into it. Just… stressful stuff.

“And I can’t flush all these red, white and blue lines away, they cost me loads. I’ll just get high on them one last time, then I’ll be properly ready.”

Britain then did a large amount of patriotic nonsense before adding: “Fuck, I am out of it! Isambard Kingdom Brunel! We invented the internet, bitches! Bobby Moore! Stand on our own two feet! TAKE BACK CONTROL!”

Germany said: “We all know what the UK is doing in there. It is pitiful. I only hope it doesn’t hit rock bottom, like me that time I don’t like to talk about.”

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The moron's guide to writing an Amazon review

DOES your useless new laptop from Amazon stop working when you use it in the bath? Here’s how to write a stupid and misleading Amazon review.

Moan when the product doesn’t live up to your mad expectations

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Give a book a bad review because you didn’t understand it

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Refuse to accept that things can be damaged in transit accidentally

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Blame the vendor when you’re the one being an idiot

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Write the entire review about how much you hate your postman

Rather than reviewing the actual product, use it to let off steam about how you despise the person who delivered it because they wear shorts in December and are suspiciously cheerful.

Include a batshit conspiracy theory

If the product wasn’t to your liking, chuck in your paranoid thoughts about Amazon trying to rip you off in devious ways that are about as likely as it being the result of Zionists or chemtrails.