Friday, 4th December 2020

What sort of idiot voting against your own interests are you?

ARE you planning to vote for an election candidate whose stated policy is to screw you over? Check to see if you’re one of the following idiots.

Completely illogical idiot

Reason will not be influencing your decision. Do local seagulls get on your nerves? Are lamb chops annoyingly expensive these days? Vote Tory or Brexit party in a totally random act of protest. 

You believe bad things only happen to other people

Your view is basically that you don’t get ill very often, and even then it’s usually just a cold, so the NHS doesn’t really matter. Luckily your magical immunity to bad things also extends to Brexit, so it will only be other losers heading for the Job Centre.

You like Labour’s policies but can’t abide Corbyn

Not being in love with The Bearded One is totally understandable, but maybe it’s worth gritting your teeth and giving his policies a shot? It’s like a medieval peasant saying: “I fully support Robin Hood’s redistributive taxation policies but I don’t like his beard, all that showing off with a bow or his fancy metropolitan elite green tights.” 

Boris is your mate 

Alexander de Pfeffel Johnson is not your mate, even if he waved at you vaguely from 50 yards away during an election walkabout. If you were his mate, he’d be on the phone helping you duff up a journalist who’s upset you.

You use the opposite of common sense

Is your main concern your crummy local bus service? Obviously you should vote for a party that’s shown precisely zero interest in local services. The Brexit Party is ideal because they don’t have policies on anything.