People who don't give a sh*t about politics having a lovely Christmassy day

THE third of Britain that does not give a sh*t about politics is having a delightful festive day filled with Yuletide joy. 

Approximately 22 million people who do not vote and think the news is boring have woken, opened their advent calendar while watching Christmas videos on MTV, and merrily skipped off to work. 

While at their jobs they will eat Celebrations, talk excitedly about how many ‘sleeps’ there are left, shop online for presents and immediately drop out of dull conversations about politics. 

Susan Traherne of Nottingham said: “I don’t vote because it wouldn’t make any difference so none of it’s my fault. But I am going to have a cheeky lunchtime prosecco. 

“After work I’m visiting the Christmas market, where they’re giving away free mulled wine and mince pies, then I’ll go home and finish the decorations. The illuminated candy canes aren’t out yet, and it’s already December 12th!

“This evening, when stuffy old Ian at work is watching something called an ‘exit poll’, I’ll be laughing along with a seasonal film, possibly Gremlins

“Then tomorrow I’ll wake up with exactly the same government that people who are interested in politics have got, but they’ll all be upset and I won’t care. It’s much better being me.”

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How to cope with election day before you can start drinking heavily

ARE you suffering through work sober until you can start drinking to cope with the tension of waiting for the election result? Here’s how to deal with it.

Go for a run

Exercise is good for relieving stress and tension, so go for a jog during your lunch break. Resist the temptation to keep running until you’ve reached an airport and are boarding a plane to a less mental country like Sweden.

Switch off social media

Don’t read election coverage on Twitter. You’ll have to put up with your colleagues’ lunatic opinions about how Nigel Farage should rightfully be PM instead, but at least you know that’s drivel rather than genuinely wondering if Laura Kuenssberg is secretly employed by the Tories.

Don’t talk to your colleagues

Even the most innocuous conversation about tidying up the stationery cupboard will instantly turn into a full-blown argument about whether Starmer is going to turn the country into a Marxist gulag. Avoid eye contact at all times.

Buy something stupid

You’ll feel too stressed to work so do some internet shopping instead. Buy something ridiculous to make yourself feel better, like a massive new telly for your tiny flat that makes it feel like you’ve moved into your local Odeon.

Just open a bottle of wine at your desk

You might as well. Your boss won’t blame you because they’ll probably be doing the same themselves.