Things to put on your Christmas wish list in case the Tories win

DO you need regular medicine from the NHS? If the Tories win it might be a good idea to ask for a chemistry set to make it yourself. Here are some other gift ideas.


These will stop you having to listen to Boris Johnson bleating “Let’s get Brexit done” for years to come. Ask for an eye mask too so you don’t have to read about it either.

Military first aid kit

If you go to hospital under the Tories you’ll probably end up bleeding out on a pile of coats, so start preparing for some DIY medical care at home. All procedures aside from brain surgery can be done on the kitchen table, as long as you give it a good wipe first.

A ticket back to where you came from

Boris Johnson wants EU immigrants to stop treating Britain as their ‘own country’. Leaving aside the fact that you’re fully entitled to be here and pay tax and so on, you may well start to agree as Britain turns into Poland circa 1980 but with fewer jobs.

Euthanasia plan

Weirdly, old people still mostly vote for the Tories, even though they were the ones who nearly brought in the ‘dementia tax’. They tend not to help old people unless they’re the ones with a country estate to go shooting on, so it’s important to plan a swift and painless way out.

A shedload of booze

Because at the very least you can block it all out for a while. Or swap it for food if things get really desperate.

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Britain to leave EU because of massive, blond-haired child

BRITAIN will quit the European Union because a massive, blond-haired child says so.

But although his argument was largely incoherent, it has not stopped Britain from agreeing wholeheartedly with the chunky, vaguely amusing boy.

Emma Wilkinson, from Stevenage, said: “He’s just so wonderfully British. I don’t actually know what that means and I don’t care. Is he full of shit? How would I know? All I can see is that big, cheeky face.”

Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, added: “I read his articles, but I read them out loud in his voice. It’s great fun.

“I don’t want to think about the EU because it’s actually very boring. So I’m really happy to delegate my decision to the massive blond-haired child.

“Is he a maniac in ruthless pursuit of power? What a horrible thing to say about a little boy.”