ONE of the few good things about the election is finding out what type of bellend your neighbours are from the poster in their window or sign in their garden. Here’s how to judge them.
Conservative
A Tory sign in their window means they are old-fashioned, traditional bastards. They’ll be confusing to live next door to, as they’ll bring round a pot of jam one day and report you to the council for your extension being three inches too high the next. They don’t like Rishi Sunak but still want him to win, because they believe that Angela Rayner will come round and personally give their house to immigrants if Labour get in.
Labour
These twats love to display their lefty credentials with a poster, and had a curling EU one in the window many years after 2016. Now they’ve got a crisp new Labour one and have already been engaging you in tedious conversation about the how wonderful it will be when ‘Keir’ is prime minister. The poster fits in nicely with other dickish middle-class status symbols around their house and garden: a pizza oven, a Toyota Prius and a recycling box full to the brim with empty bottles of fair trade Malbec.
Liberal Democrat
A neighbour with a Lib Dem poster is the kind of bumbling bellend who will promise to water your garden and feed your cat while you’re away on holiday, then forget to do both. They are optimistic to a fault and won’t complain when you have a loud party. On the downside they love tedious local politics and will try to recruit you into their cult. They also have a supernatural ability to come round canvassing at the precise second you’ve just sat down for dinner. Idiots.
SNP
Luckily, only people who live in Scotland have to worry about living next to one of these Scottish bastards. Nationalism is frowned upon when practised by the English, but Scots are allowed to get away with it, so expect them to have a huge Saltire flag hanging from the window, as well as a poster in it. Alternatively, they are English émigrés enjoying playing with a new cultural identity. And the novelty of voting for a party other than the Tories or Labour who might actually win. Whatever, they’re most likely a dickhead.
Reform UK
This neighbour might seem like the most straightforward kind of bastard, but they’ll wrong-foot you by doing something nice, like pressure washing your decking as they were doing theirs anyway. Then they’ll subject you to a barrage of casually racist remarks about the new Turkish barber on the high street being a drug-dealing money launderer. You’d like to avoid them altogether, but they keep inviting themselves over for a barbecue with the winnings of the meat raffle they won down the local.
Green Party
These hippy-dippy twats will have got on your tits long before they put a Vote Green poster in their window, by letting their garden ‘re-wild’ itself, and infesting yours with Japanese knotweed. They’ll split the left-wing vote in your local area by insisting on voting for their no-hope candidate, meaning the Conservative MP will scrape back in and allow an emission-producing plastic incinerator to be built three hundred yards from your street.
