We ask you: which is more implausible, the Tory manifesto or the Green Party manifesto?

BOTH the Conservative and Green Party manifestos are packed with impossible promises from unelectable parties. But which is the more preposterous?  

Norman Steele, mechanic: “I actually completely believe the Conservatives will give away £17 billion. I could even name the donors they’d give it to.”

Sue Traherne, electrical engineer: “The Greens want a two per cent wealth tax on all funds over £1 billion? And they think the ordinary British man in the street will stand for that?”

Hannah Tomlinson, tattooist: “At least the Greens have no track record of fucking up, apart from that last few years in Scotland when everything they touched died.”

Roy Hobbs, cannabis farmer: “The Tories are promising to burn the world, while the Greens are promising to save it. Come on. That last ain’t never gonna happen.”

Joanna Kramer, accountant: “Is the Green one printed on paper? Game over, hypocrites.”

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Adult nappies: are you missing out?

DEMAND for adult nappies is soaring, with one in five Britons wearing them. Are you missing out on this convenient new lifestyle option? These are just some of the benefits: 

Long, lazy mornings in bed

When you’re warm and comfortable, getting up to empty your bladder can ruin your sleep. With an adult nappy there are no such concerns. You don’t have to pause Netflix, put down your phone or any of those other irritations, and it puts horny partners off sex.

Save on heating bills

Sick of being gouged by mercenary privatised utilities? Filling your nappy with nice hot urine means you’ve got your own central heating that’s green and sustainable. How do you like those apples, British Gas?

All the celebrities are wearing them

A number of national treasures who we can’t name – think Gandalf, think M, think Lovejoy – are already in them, and rumour is Balenciaga are launching a range. Get in the game before David Beckham’s in the Adidas BladderMaster Pro and Snoop Dogg’s in Diapers by Dre. Gen Z will jump onto the trend, they love anything childish and ugly.

Great conversational ice-breaker

Ever been stuck at a dinner party with nothing to say? No longer.  Everyone is fascinated by their own excretory habits and problems, and as adult nappies catch on conversations like ‘Do you wee or poo or both, Belinda?’ will be the new property prices.

Be Top Gun

You know who pisses themselves all the time? Fighter pilots. They use a ‘piddle pack’ more like a bag, but there must be splashback in a cramped cockpit at Mach 3. Maverick constantly stinks of piss, and he’s cool.

Avoid pub toilets

Pub toilets, particularly men’s, often reek of uric acid or are located down labyrinthine corridors. With a nappy you can stay in your seat contentedly dribbling urine all night. The high-tech materials they’re made of now can safely contain nine pints of Kronenbourg. Change before going on to a club.

Perfect for romance

‘Do you wear absorbent undergarments?’ is a bold, forward chat-up line, and if the answer’s yes you’ve got a shared interest to build on. Obviously for early adopters there’s a risk of being considered ‘weird’ or even perverted, but it’s no more embarrassing than owning an Apple Watch.