What we weren't allowed as children: the privileged whines from leaders of all parties

RISHI Sunak wasn’t allowed Sky TV, so the leaders of all other parties have rushed to share their heartbreaking childhood deprivations to catch up. This is what they suffered: 

Rishi Sunak, Conservative leader

Because my parents, as all responsible parents should, paid £52,000 a year for my schooling I never had Sky television. I was 22 before I saw a live televised Premiership game. My childhood was bereft of The Simpsons. To this day I fall silent during conversations about Dream Team. I’m just like you.

Keir Starmer, Labour leader

My father was a toolmaker so I never had toys. All I had to play with was tools. Whenever I was bored along he’d come saying ‘here son, I’ve made you another tool’. Tools, tools, f**king tools. An awl isn’t Luke Skywalker no matter how hard you pretend. That’s when I vowed to become a fancy Islington lawyer.

John Swinney, SNP leader

Growing up in Scotland in the 1960s, I didn’t see my first vegetable until I was 12 years old. It was a marrow, on a velvet cushion in the window of Maule’s, and we all crowded around to see this exotic alien presence, scarcely believing it real. Bananas remained only a rumour until the late 1980s. I still haven’t seen a kumquat.

Ed Davey, Liberal Democrat leader

Because my parents wanted me to become a third-rank politician, they didn’t allow me to make a fool of myself. I wasn’t allowed at theme parks, on slides, giant Jenga, crazy golf, stand-up paddleboarding, any of it. Well who’s laughing now, you censorious pricks?

Adrian Ramsey, Green Party co-leader

From as long as I can remember, I’ve deprived myself of everything. Toys, meat, heating, travel, luxuries of any kind. Even when seven I believed that everyone should live in a small hut, subsistence farming only the turnips they need to survive and otherwise leaving the environment untouched. And that’s my vision for Britain and for the world.

Rhun ap Iowerth, Plaid Cymru leader

Me? Normally we’re not in these things so I haven’t prepared anything. You’ve caught me on the hop, here. I could never find a Glen Hoddle sticker for my 1982 World Cup album, does that count? Oh shit, he’s English.

Nigel Farage, Reform UK leader

As a child in 1960s Britain, I was brought up in a world completely bereft of any positive views about Germany under National Socialism. Comics, movies, TV shows, all of them presented an entirely one-sided view with no attempt at balance. And in a way I suppose my whole political career has been a reaction to that.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Paul Mescal: seven celebrities every woman believes she could pull in the right circumstances

AS women we scoff at male delusions that it it came to it, they could pilot an aircraft to an emergency landing. While simultaneously believing these men are within our reach: 

Paul Mescal

He’s not that hot, and he’s only from Ireland. So while it takes five tequilas to get up courage to talk to any guy, by the sixth you’d be holding eye contact with Paul and enchanting him with the tale of the hen night you went to in Dublin. It’d be just like Normal People, in that he wouldn’t tell anyone you’d had sex.

Leonardo DiCaprio

Under-25s only, obviously, but as long as you’ve not turned into a hideous hag of 26 he’s not picky. He can’t afford to be, the rate he goes through women. Bump into him while carrying proof-of-age documentation and it’ll be love at first ID check and a night on a yacht.

Martin Lewis

He’s only on the daytime A-list but it still counts. He’s duty-bound to take any opportunity which offers excellent value for money, so a free shag from you definitely counts, and he’s hard for money-saving tips. Show him the deal you got on your phone contract and he’s a notional notch on the bedpost.

Idris Elba

The reason he seems so sexy on the small screen? He already fancies you. He knows you’re watching and he’s into it. Every time he smoulders at the camera, it’s a secret communication to you and you alone that he would do you within 20 minutes of a first meeting.

Ed Miliband

Still counts as a celebrity, and currently running to become net zero secretary so he’s in no position to turn you down. He needs the votes, you need the cunnilingus, you’re happy to go to the Sundays with revelations that forget 2015, the lad’s learned his way around a bacon sandwich.

Harry Styles

That fanfic romcom where a boyband brit gets with someone’s mum wasn’t just a cash-in for Anne Hathaway. It is solid evidence that Mr Styles would fall in love with a ordinary, normal MILF like you if you happened to stumble into him drunk in Reflex. Or if not him then definitely Liam Payne.

Nigella Lawson

There’s level of delusion reserved for the straight woman who firmly believes, post-prosecco, that if she were gay she would not only absolutely clean up with the lesbians but turn other straight girls too. Top of her hitlist? Nigella. Because if she’s able to get that excited about a caramel pot, she’ll definitely be down for your fanny.