RISHI Sunak wasn’t allowed Sky TV, so the leaders of all other parties have rushed to share their heartbreaking childhood deprivations to catch up. This is what they suffered:
Rishi Sunak, Conservative leader
Because my parents, as all responsible parents should, paid £52,000 a year for my schooling I never had Sky television. I was 22 before I saw a live televised Premiership game. My childhood was bereft of The Simpsons. To this day I fall silent during conversations about Dream Team. I’m just like you.
Keir Starmer, Labour leader
My father was a toolmaker so I never had toys. All I had to play with was tools. Whenever I was bored along he’d come saying ‘here son, I’ve made you another tool’. Tools, tools, f**king tools. An awl isn’t Luke Skywalker no matter how hard you pretend. That’s when I vowed to become a fancy Islington lawyer.
John Swinney, SNP leader
Growing up in Scotland in the 1960s, I didn’t see my first vegetable until I was 12 years old. It was a marrow, on a velvet cushion in the window of Maule’s, and we all crowded around to see this exotic alien presence, scarcely believing it real. Bananas remained only a rumour until the late 1980s. I still haven’t seen a kumquat.
Ed Davey, Liberal Democrat leader
Because my parents wanted me to become a third-rank politician, they didn’t allow me to make a fool of myself. I wasn’t allowed at theme parks, on slides, giant Jenga, crazy golf, stand-up paddleboarding, any of it. Well who’s laughing now, you censorious pricks?
Adrian Ramsey, Green Party co-leader
From as long as I can remember, I’ve deprived myself of everything. Toys, meat, heating, travel, luxuries of any kind. Even when seven I believed that everyone should live in a small hut, subsistence farming only the turnips they need to survive and otherwise leaving the environment untouched. And that’s my vision for Britain and for the world.
Rhun ap Iowerth, Plaid Cymru leader
Me? Normally we’re not in these things so I haven’t prepared anything. You’ve caught me on the hop, here. I could never find a Glen Hoddle sticker for my 1982 World Cup album, does that count? Oh shit, he’s English.
Nigel Farage, Reform UK leader
As a child in 1960s Britain, I was brought up in a world completely bereft of any positive views about Germany under National Socialism. Comics, movies, TV shows, all of them presented an entirely one-sided view with no attempt at balance. And in a way I suppose my whole political career has been a reaction to that.
