Office arseholes into football again

OBNOXIOUS knobheads in your office have announced a programme of mandatory football enjoyment to accompany Euro 2024. 

The wankers, who include in their number several senior managers so cannot be ignored, have switched from being the fonts of all political knowledge to enthusing about the upcoming tournament and insisting you join in.

Helen Archer, who just wants to do her f**king work and go home, said: “Oh, is it twat time already? Yes, I can see the wallcharts.

“No mention of football until last Friday, and suddenly they’re speculating about whether Slovenia are the dark horse of the competition and whether Xherdan Shaqiri can raise his game. And here’s me, not giving an shit.

“They’ve all got the new shirts, they’ve all got a second team for when England inevitably fail, they spend all morning discussing who’ll cover John Stones if he ventures forward as a false ten as if it f**king matters, and there’s a sweepstake. Of course there is.

“Today they’re outdoing each other with obscure trivia. Presumably whoever has the most niche knowledge wears the the captain’s armband for Team Gobshite. Who cares if France spent 37 per cent of their time out of possession in a mid-block in 2022? Who could?

“There’s no way they can keep this up for a whole month. Not with the election, Wimbledon and the Olympics all following hard and fast. They’ll reach cognitive overload and burn out one by one.

“The rest of us can’t wait, we’re doing a sweepstake.”

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Can Nigel Farage get any more popular?