Which European politician is the new Hitler?

FAR-RIGHT lunatics are seizing power across Europe, but which of these boggle-eyed xenophobes is fit to fill Adolf Hitler’s jackboots?

Marine Le Pen, France

National Front leader whose name means ‘The Pen by the Sea’, which she hopes to fill with Jews and Muslims. Le Pen is looking for a way to conquer Europe with an army that demands four-hour lunch breaks.

Odds of being new Hitler 12/1

Giorgia Meloni, Italy

Italy’s first female leader but far from their first fascist, is firmly against immigration, gay marriage, gay parenting and all combinations of those three. Despite her name being essentially Gorgeous Melons looks like any other politician, much to the Sun’s disappointment.

Odds of being new Hitler 13/3

Geert Wilders, Netherlands

Pompadoured Dutch fool whose name is a Lancastrian expression for a badly-behaved dog, as in ‘Ee, thou pup’s geert wilders.’ Described his country as full of ‘asylum profiteers, woke crazies, Arabs, non-binaries and quinoa chewers’, unaccountably missing out ‘weed smokers, prostitutes, waxed cheese fanatics and British lads on stag nights.’

Odds of being new Hitler 40/9

Viktor Orban, Hungary

Eurosceptic, homophobic, anti-media, anti-judiciary and anti-immigrant, Orban will therefore be unable to complain when Putin invades and he falls out of a window. Loved by Trump so will end up being f**ked over by him as well.

Odds of being new Hitler 20/1

Nigel Farage

Reform leader considered charismatic in Britain but viewed by Europeans roughly as we view a face painted on an egg. Credibility with military low after his 2010 election day attempt at taking a light aircraft in a low-level bombing run on Buckinghamshire ended in disaster.

Odds 100/1

Adolf Hitler

Former German Chancellor now in present day after a failed assassination attempt by the inventor of a time machine. Currently building support in German beer halls, the all-new Hitler has swept away doubters with his fashionable quiff and handlebar moustache.

Odds Evens

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Girlfriend veers into you every six steps out of love

YOUR girlfriend’s inability to walk alongside you without barging into you every few seconds is actually an act of love, according to experts.

Scientists believe the habit, which you had wrongly found intensely irksome and put down to her being ‘some kind of f**king moron’ actually stems from the unconscious desire to be closer to you.

Professor Henry Brubaker, director of the Institute for Studies, says: “This flies in the face of the previous consensus that she lacks the basic motor functions required to walk in a straight line.

“It’s long been an issue that certain girlfriends are incapable of maintaining a heading without swerving into their partner’s path. Men have reported as many collisions as 348 per mile.

“For a while we thought they were like truckers, who constantly stray into your lane because they are incapable of noticing you exist. But actually this endless jostling is an act of affection.

“Now that’s been proven, men will no longer be annoyed at being crashed into constantly by partners who cannot put one foot in front of the other without careering into your path. And if they do they’re bad people, because it’s out of love.”

Charlotte Phelps of Sheffield added: “And anyway I don’t even do it.”