When you find out about my epic tax avoidance, not sacking Zahawi will make total sense

‘WHY hasn’t Zahawi resigned?’ ask the media, and I laugh. Honestly, if I dismissed him for that where would I be when you find out about my tax avoidance?

Credit to Nadhim, when he gets a £27 million windfall his first thought is ‘How do I stop the tax bastards getting hold of this?’ I admire his instincts.

But he was clumsy and obvious. His tax avoidance had no style, no élan. ‘Blundering around like that makes the rest of us look bad,’ I told him, while agreeing he deserved to stay chairman because at least he didn’t just pay it like a mug.

The truth is I couldn’t find it in my heart to punish him because, compared to the sheer scope of my international tax-avoiding architecture, it’s nothing.

Honestly, it is a thing of beauty. A vast network of shell companies with offices in a glittering range of tax havens, all interconnected in a byzantine labyrinth of directorships, so complicated even the most dedicated auditor could never unpick it.

The media will find out. There’s too many millions for them not to. When they do I will stand there, Zahawi by my side, and proclaim proudly that I will not be resigning.

‘In post-Brexit Britain,’ I will say, ‘avoiding tax is not a crime. It is a patriotic duty. Why else did we leave the EU if not to be free of its unreasonable demands that rich people chip in a bit?’

The public, led by the Sun and the Mail and the Telegraph, will cheer. We will begin a new era together as the world’s first no-tax nation. And I personally will get a £66 million rebate from HMRC.

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Ratatouille, and other animated films that would be f**king terrifying as live-action

ANIMATION allows filmmakers to create delightful, surreal worlds. But as live-action, some movies would become distinctly nightmarish. Such as these.


Instead of the adorable cartoon rodent Remy, there’d be a bloody great black rat with giant prosthetic teeth and sinister little paws, and he’d be forcing a real man to make a pie. An entire generation would be put off French cuisine for life. And imagine the truly horrifying amount of rat’s piss visibly matted into the terrified actor’s hair.


The tale of cute monsters would be a celebration of animal cruelty as humans keep majestic beasts in tiny, orb-shaped cages, only releasing them to fight each other to the death. It’s acceptable as a cartoon, but seeing a photo-realistic electrified, yellow rodent beat seven shades of shit out of a giant, helpless caterpillar would be the equivalent of taking your kids to a dog fight for their birthday.


This already has one of the most harrowing openings to a children’s movie of all time. Now imagine a real deer mercilessly shot down by hunters, bleeding out onto the snow before being finished off with a hunting knife. Whole audiences would be leaving the cinema and hurling themselves under the first bus they saw. And boy, you’d regret eating those venison sausages.

Inside Out

This film serves as a fantastic metaphor to help children come to terms with such concepts as happiness, grief, and maturity, thanks to the anthropomorphised emotions living in the protagonist’s head. However, if you showed a realistic version of Bing Bong – whatever the hell that would look like – dying to a child, they’d never stop screaming.

Watership Down

What could be worse than seeing lovingly-drawn cartoon animals experience a bloody death in a cruel natural world? The answer is: seeing real cute bunnies ripped to shreds and tortured by Gestapo rabbits. It would basically be a particularly distressing David Attenborough documentary, but where the rabbits are chattier than normal.