Why England must end its occupation of Ireland. By a poorly informed American

JOE Biden has given his backing to getting Stormont functioning again. That’s not enough for American Elijah Byrne, who wants to see Britain withdraw its tanks from Dublin.

Stop robbing the Irish of their culture

British imperialists ruthlessly suppress Irish culture. If you’re not Irish like me you’ve probably never heard of Guinness, Sinead O’Connor, big green hats, The Banshees of Inerishin, U2, Celtic tattoos and Guinness. Oops, I said Guiness twice. I meant all the other rich Irish culture I am immersed in. Is Sean Connery Irish?

Get the troops out

It’s an international scandal that Dublin is occupied by the British Army and its Challenger tanks, ready to brutally put down any uprising. I’ve emailed the UN several times, but with no reply as yet. Mark my words, we information-poor Americans who have never been to Eire will not rest until the Irish Tricolour, not the Union Jack, is flying above the Giant’s Causeway.

Rewild the leprechauns 

Once the Emerald Isle was teeming with leprechauns. Just watch the documentary Darby O’Gill and the Little People. I assume what happened was that English aristocrats began to hunt them for sport and drove them to the brink of extinction. Once the Brits have gone, leprechauns can be rewilded, and their pots of gold will provide a valuable boost to Ireland’s economy.

End the artificial division of Ireland 

How dare you separate the folk of Northern Ireland from the South? One day the hated British border signs will be torn down and the protestant loyalists of the North will rush to the border, cheering as they embrace their Catholic brothers and sisters, finally able to live together in peace and harmony once again.

End the potato famine NOW

You Brits stole all the potatoes, and I expect you’re still doing it. When I think of innocent Irish peasant families watching their beautiful potatoes loaded into lorries by laughing Redcoats, I cry. Those poor simple folk, unable to enjoy a baked potato, spicy wedges or fries with their burger. I suppose they could try a pasta salad with it, but that doesn’t really go. I’m sorry, I’m welling up again.

The IRA will kick your asses 

Universally adored by the entire population of Ireland, these loveable rogues strike at the English oppressors before melting away like ghosts into the ancient forests of Belfast. They truly are the spiritual sons of Michael Collins, and have a very particular set of skills. Or is that that other Liam Neeson film?

Listen to the wisdom of Paul McCartney

‘Give Ireland back to the Irish,’ said the former Beatle, offering a single-state solution to this complex socio-political issue in one short sentence. No tool of the British Empire, Sir Paul knows that global solidarity with Ireland will never fade. ‘We all stand together/ La la la/ La la la la la’, in the moving words of the Frog Chorus.

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Morcheeba, and other bands who made a living writing music exclusively for stoners

WRITING tunes for people who are stoned off their tits has enabled many bands to forge a lucrative career. Like these:


When part of a band’s name is a reference to a slang term for cannabis the writing’s already on the wall. They helped many an addled pothead while away the hours in the late 90s thanks to the ambient, floating harmonies of debut Who Can You Trust?, the title of which is presumably a nod to the paranoia associated with excessive weed use.

The Orb

In what other state of mind would you be captivated by the utter brilliance of someone repeating the phrase ‘little fluffy clouds’ over a backdrop of psychedelic electronica? Play it back the following morning and wonder what the f**k possessed you to buy this mad shit. Then spark up your first reefer of the day and it’ll all fall back into place.

Ozric Tentacles

You wouldn’t dream of listening to jazz fusion space rock sober, but after half a bifter those weird arrangements and innovative time changes sounds like the work of musical wizards. Proper hard core psychedelia for people who always make sure there’s a joint rolled ready on the bedside table for when they wake up in the morning.

Pink Floyd

The obvious go-to for reefer-fuelled old hippies who don’t mind guitar solos going on for weeks so long as there’s always a half-ounce of Durban Poison in the drawer. Comfortably Numb is such a stereotypical description of the average Floyd fan’s perpetual state of mind that it’s practically taking the piss.


Bristol has produced plenty of artists dedicated to making comedown music, including Massive Attack and Tricky, but Portishead are the masters of producing songs that make the most sense when you’re caned out of your nut at 4.30am. Probably because they’re too f**king depressing to listen to in the cold light of day.

Bob Marley

Bob Marley was a devoted Rastafarian who smoked ganja as part of his religion. Now his image adorns the walls of dedicated potheads the world over who wouldn’t know who Emperor Haile Selassie was if he stole their Jamaican flag-themed weed grinder. They still love Marley’s music though, even if the themes of Burnin’ and Lootin’ have entirely passed them by.