Prosecco o'clock: a prick's guide to timekeeping

SOME absolute wankers think they’re too good for regular timekeeping. Here’s how they mark out their days.


Brunch has been around for over a hundred years but it’s only become annoying in recent years, and that’s all down to hipsters wanting to justify charging £12 for a couple of eggs on toast. If you don’t want to sound like a prick who has opened a sourdough cronut and porridge café in Bristol, stick with breakfast or lunch.

Leg day

Arseholes who spend their lives in gyms get to a point when their steroid-addled brains are no longer able to grasp concepts such as ‘Tuesday’ or ‘Saturday’. Instead, their entire schedules are centred on which part of their freakishly bulging body they’re working on, and they end up saying things like ‘Meet you for a chicken breast lunch next leg day, bro.’

Prosecco o’clock

A nonsense concept which has been enthusiastically embraced by people who love ‘cheeky’ kitchen signs and hen parties. So pointless in its ambiguity that it could fit anywhere from 7pm all the way down to 11am, defending on how much of a massive pisshead the twat using it is. See also ‘gin o’clock’ and, for posh twats, ‘the sun’s over the yardarm somewhere in the world’.

Close of business

Beloved of a particular type of bellend whose favourite social media platform is LinkedIn. They think they sound like Steve Jobs using dreadful jargon such as ‘close of business’ or, even worse, ‘end of play’ to refer to 5:30pm. If they use these phrases outside of work, they’re beyond help.


The wellness industry has a lot to answer for. However, their weirdest invention has been the popularisation of people comfortably talking about having some ‘me-time’. Everyone knows that this is simply code for ‘having a big wank and maybe some crisps, too’. Why health freaks felt the need to formalise the concept is baffling.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

He's a tragic nerd and a virgin, and other surprisingly unpleasant insults I've got lined up for Sunak

By Sir Keir Starmer

Yeah, I meant what I said in that ad. And that was only the start of it. Here are the other below-the-belt jibes I’ve got in store for your beloved Rishi Sunak.

He addresses people as ‘guys’

It’s annoying when bar staff refer to your table as ‘guys’, but coming from the prime minister it’s tantamount to treason. Do you think the government should talk to you like rational adults instead of a supply teacher with zero authority? Rishi Sunak doesn’t. Yes, it’s trivial in the scheme of things, but I’m desperately trying to score points here.

He’s a tragic nerd and therefore a virgin

The UK deserves better than to be run by some spod who prefers Return of the Jedi to The Empire Strikes Back and has therefore never known the carnal delight of sexual intercourse. Instead they should let a renowned mad lad and notorious player such as myself take the wheel. The nickname ‘Sir Beer Korma’ didn’t come from nowhere, you know.

He’s a self-confessed Coke addict

Not the cool kind of coke that your rich friends cut into lines with their credit cards in nightclub toilets, but the sugary drink kind that rots your teeth. It still counts as substance abuse in my robotic, legally-trained eyes though, so I have no choice but to crack down with zero empathy or compassion. Plus I’m more of a Pepsi guy anyway.
He doesn’t know what eating out also means

No, I’m still not over this. He ran a whole campaign centred around a euphemism for cunnilingus without batting an eyelid. If dredging up this faux pas doesn’t single-handedly win back Red Wall voters then I suspect nothing will. It was his bacon sandwich moment and it’s up to us as a country not to let it slide.

He’s a f**king shortarse

For years I’ve tried to remain aloof and professional, but f**k all good that’s done me. Now the gloves are coming off and I’m getting personal. I’m only saying what everyone’s thinking anyway, and if you’re offended you’re just a tofu-eating woke snowflake. This approach seems to work for the government so I’m sure it’ll usher me into power effortlessly. His wife’s a munter and all.