Father systematically destroying every film for his kids

A DAD is determined to ruthlessly pick apart every single film that his kids adore, it has emerged.

Father-of-two Nathan Muir gleefully slates all the movies they enjoy by pointing out inconsistencies in the plot or savaging child-friendly themes with cynical commentary.

His wife Emma said: “He’s usually a nice man, but he seems unable to stop himself crushing their wide-eyed adoration of simple, feelgood entertainment.

“He ruined Dumbo by talking about animal welfare, and Snow White made the kids cry after his bleak observations about the ethics of forcing a minority group into servitude.

“I was out when they watched Harry Potter, but I’m pretty sure where my seven-year-old’s questions about whether Hogwarts depicts an obnoxious privileged elite come from.

“Things really came to a head with Beauty and the Beast, which Nathan described as a ‘disgusting bestiality flick’. But, to be honest, the kids don’t seem that bothered that we now watch Netflix in the spare room without him.”

Nathan Muir said: “I’ve got the whole living room and TV remote to myself. I know how to play a long game.”

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We were off our tits when we came up with it: Inside the Bible's writers' room

THE creators of the Bible have admitted that they were on incredible amounts of hallucinogens when they penned it.

In a rare Easter interview, the authors have confirmed that the reason the best-selling book is full of such batshit nonsense is because they were under the influence of a range of narcotics while writing.

Matthew said: “There was no substance that I, and my fellow writers Mark, Luke and John, did not ingest during that crazy writing process. And frankly, it shows.

“I mean, the whole idea that God and the Holy Ghost are these omnipresent beings who can see and judge everything you do or think, that’s textbook cocaine paranoia.

“And we were going through a real blissed-out ecstasy buzz when we came up with all of Jesus’ ‘peace and love for your fellow man’ bullshit. But the flipside of that was the crazy ideas we put in the Old Testament.

“All that stuff in Leviticus about not wearing different types of wool, or eating things with many legs. If that doesn’t scream crystal meth psychosis I don’t know what does.

“And as for the Book of Revelation, we had a bad batch of LSD John bought off his dodgy cousin to thank for that tour de force of insanity. I just hope no one ever took it all seriously.”