Woman helpfully maps out partner's entire day off for him

A WOMAN whose partner is looking forward to a day off has helped him maximise the time by drawing up a list of jobs he needs to do.

Emma Bradford thoughtfully created a comprehensive timetable of mundane chores for Stephen Malley to save him having to remember them all himself.

Bradford said: “He’s cutting the lawn at 9.15am, washing the windows at 10, and vacuuming the car before lunch, which he’ll need to make for himself as I’m off out with my friends. It is a bank holiday, after all.

“He may as well batch cook enough for dinner all week while he’s at it. But I’ve scheduled in one can of beer at 1pm, I’m not a total slave driver.”

Malley said: “I was going to have a lie in until lunchtime then go to the pub, so this is a right pain in the arse.

“I’ll do my usual: half-arse the lawn and windows, and physically pick up the biggest bits of crap from the car so I don’t have to drag the bloody hoover outside.

“Then I’ll eat four bags of crisps for lunch and sack off making dinner by surprising Emma with a meal out later. She’ll be so impressed by this out-of-character romantic gesture she won’t notice the house is still a shit tip.”

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Birthday drinks attended only by C-list friends send man into downward spiral

A MAN who recently celebrated his 36th birthday has fallen into depression after it was only attended by people he privately thinks of as ‘the dregs’.

Stephen Malley booked an area in his local pub several weeks in advance and invited all his friends but was devastated when only the shit ones he does not really like arrived.

Malley said: “My list of possible guests had a heading near the bottom that said ‘Maybe not?’. Those are the ones who turned up.

“I tried to shrug it off, but I’ve realised that all the fun, interesting people I know have attracted partners and had kids by this age, and the only ones left are the weirdo loners with nothing better to do on a Friday night.

“And who else is one of those people? Me. I am definitely a C-list guest on someone else’s birthday list. Probably the people I consider A-list.

“So there’s another unwelcome attendee here. The black dog. Depression. And this is the worst one of all, as it hasn’t even arrived with a hastily bought card and a bottle of Echo Falls from the nearest petrol station.”