Pilot, and other professions where everyone used to be shitfaced

DRINKING at work used to be far more socially acceptable. These are some of the jobs it was absolutely fine to do while hammered.

Celebrity chef

From Keith Floyd to Anthony Bourdain, and not forgetting Delia Smith’s legendary half-time rant at a stadium full of Norwich City fans, it used to be de rigueur for TV chefs to be visibly pissed. Now they’ve all turned into either uber-healthy clean eaters or Gordon Ramsay-style hard man twats who wouldn’t want to tarnish their carefully cultivated image by swilling back the red on camera.

Ad exec

According to veteran ad execs, Mad Men actually played down the incredible amount of drinking, smoking and shagging that took place in the 60s. Nowadays, ad execs arrive at their co-working spaces sipping on a green smoothie and give themselves early heart attacks by obsessively worrying about click-through rates, rather than by imbibing four martinis and 20 fags for lunch every day.


Even the most nostalgia-addled, rose-tinted-specs-wearing gammon would probably draw the line at letting a sozzled pisshead fly a passenger jet like they used to in the good old days. Though, judging by the horrifically bumpy landings when you fly Ryanair, you can still get a roughly similar experience.


Between having excessively boozy three-hour lunches and popping to the pub every time they had five minutes to spare, it’s surprising that journalists had a moment to actually report any news back in the day. Modern times have caught up with the profession and it’s now frowned upon to be obviously plastered, but judging by some of the swill that comes from the keyboards of many British columnists, they were better when they were allowed to be three sheets to the wind.


Pretty much every MP who sat in the House before 1979 was half drunk for their entire career, and incapable of making a rational decision post-lunchtime. In fact, it is alleged that Prime Minister’s Questions moved from its traditional 3pm slot to midday so that there was more chance of everyone involved being sober. However, given that PMQs is rowdier and more belligerent than the roughest pub on a Saturday night, it doesn’t seem to have made much difference.

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Global population only there to tick diversity boxes, says white man

A MISINFORMED white man believes the world only contains an array of people as part of a box-ticking diversity exercise, it has emerged.

Daily Mail reader Wayne Hayes reckons planet Earth’s various races, creeds, sexual persuasions, gender identities and abilities exist purely to meet legal requirements and score woke points.

He said: “It’s just like what they’re doing at the BBC, but on a much bigger scale.

“I haven’t done any research to back this up, but up until a few years ago there were only white people and then a few on the other side of the world who were, you know, not white. If I’m still allowed to say that.

“Now there’s all sorts of people, and they keep discovering new ones all the time. Either the long arc of history is gradually bending towards acknowledging folks who are different to me, or it’s wokeness gone mad. Based on my prejudices, it’s obviously the latter.

“They’re clearly all coming for me and my semi-detached house in Haltwhistle. The only sane course of action is to encase the country in a protective concrete sarcophagus, like Chernobyl.”

Queer Muslim wheelchair-user Nikki Hollis said: “Damn, he’s rumbled me. I’ll go back to being an able-bodied straight white man.”