Affairs to bollock waxing: The best midlife crises for men

ARE you a man who feels over the hill? Destroy your relationships by endeavouring to recapture your youth in these stupid ways:


You feel like the magic in your current relationship has died, so when Linda from accounts makes a pass at you next to the photocopier you think nothing of embarking on a torrid affair. It’s fun for a few weeks but ultimately you find yourself divorced, homeless and thinking a simple wank would have saved a lot of time and heartache.

Baking bread

Less life-destroying is getting into baking bread, like that hunky silver fox Paul Hollywood. You can smack that dough around like it’s your boss’ face and avoid weekend visits to the in-laws by claiming you have to stay at home and look after your sourdough starter.

Going to Ibiza

You missed out on peak 90s Ibiza because you were a tragic geek, so you’ve decided that now is the time for you and the lads to go out there and leer at scantily clad young women who wouldn’t have given you a second glance even when you were 17. Despite being fuelled by unknown drugs purchased from a dodgy bloke on a moped, you’ll still be partied out by 11pm. Because you are old.

Guitar lessons

You imagine it will be like being on stage with Springsteen, but it turns out that hamfistedly plucking your way through the opening notes of House of the Rising Sun in the bedroom of a guitar teacher young enough to be your son is actually rather sad. And that’s before you get to the stage of attempting to play it in front of a visibly wincing crowd at your local open mic night.


In your mind, you’ll be a hot, experienced older man riding onto your cul-de-sac like one of The Sons of Anarchy. In reality, you’ll just have chafed balls and a wife who is terrified you’ll die at a level crossing as your eyesight isn’t what it used to be.


Spending lots of money on a hobby makes it feel important, even though you’re just wasting your family’s cash on a pathetic existential crisis. Photography equipment costs a fortune, plus it gives you an excuse to stay in a tent by yourself on a hill in the Peak District for three nights because you’ve told your wife you want to take a picture of a rare buzzard.


Your parents would have disinherited you for a tattoo, but now they’re dead and you’re a grown adult who’s allowed to decide for himself if he wants a full sleeve featuring skulls and naked ladies. Unfortunately it looks a bit weird on a mild-mannered IT manager and all you’ve done is make yourself too self-conscious to wear a t-shirt.


You’re worried your missus doesn’t fancy you anymore, so you’ve decided to wax your horrifically hairy back like she’s been asking you to for years. Once at the beauticians you threw caution to the wind and allowed them to do your bollocks too. Now you and your partner are both traumatised: you from the pain and her from the hideous sight of your naked ballsack.

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Man persuades himself that Easter sex is a thing

A MAN has successfully convinced himself that Easter sex is both traditional and deserved, and has set out to get some.

Ryan Whittaker, aged 34, came to the conclusion by comparing Easter to other holidays, adding the differential of a four-day weekend, and multiplying by his own horniness.

He explained: “Look at the facts. You’re giving chocolate as a gift? When else do you give chocolate as a gift? Valentine’s Day, which is a guaranteed score.

“It’s all themed around bunnies and spring. What do bunnies do in spring? They f**k. What else is themed around bunnies? The Playboy Mansion.

“There’s four full days off, and it’s not Christmas so there’s no obligation to see family and shit. That surely is only there to maximise the scoring opportunities for the single man, or woman, who’s open to committing to a three-night stand.

“The conclusion? I am suiting up and hitting the bars and getting myself some Easter sex. If the ladies haven’t heard of it, I’ll simply explain my flawless logic.”

Whittaker is next expected to work himself up at the beginning of May when he develops the concept of Coronation sex.