Bellend, and five other swear words that should get heritage status

SOME swear words are superior to others and should be protected at all costs for future generations to enjoy. Like these:


Sophisticated, elegant and uniquely British, this is the Rolls-Royce of swearing, a design classic that never goes out of fashion. There should be a plinth in the Victoria & Albert Museum that simply reads: Bellend.


One syllable, four letters: this is efficient swearing that sounds excellent when bellowed loudly. Originally slang for genitalia, it now means ‘person who cut you up in the Asda car park’. Americans take note – it’s not ‘twot’, it’s twat.


You can shout it when you stub your toe, you can shout it when your best mate shags your boyfriend or you can shout it at a football player who’s missed a penalty. It’s pretty offensive and yet regularly used on EastEnders, making it as much of a national treasure as Barbara Windsor.


The only swear word with its own action, wanker is as British as a cup of tea and a market stall selling disposable lighters. We will fight them on the beaches to preserve this one, or at least write it in permanent marker on the back of a bus seat.


Three key things separate us from the Americans: healthcare, gun control and the way we pronounce arsehole. Pleasingly rhotic and wonderfully descriptive, let’s stick a blue plaque on it before it’s lost to the creeping lingua franca of YouTube. Get the one off Shakespeare’s gaff if needs be, it’s the type of word he would have appreciated.


The sort of epithet you can say in polite company, berk is coy and offensive at the same time. It is actually short for Berkshire Hunt and therefore rhyming slang for a very offensive word, but don’t tell your granny or she might have a heart attack.

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Five essential items needed for a three-day car journey to Dover

GETTING a car ferry to the continent? Here are five things you should not be stuck in the massive queue without:

An additional energy source

Spending hours creeping imperceptibly forward is going to require plenty of entertainment, which means a large selection of devices. However, plugging anything into the car will drain the battery, and you don’t want to add to the havoc by clogging up a lane begging for a jump start. Take a couple of power banks or prepare for the longest bickering session of your life.

Extra food

As well as needing to consume food to stay alive as you inch slowly along, you’re also going to need a f**kload of snacks to help alleviate the crushing boredom, and even more on top of that if you have a car full of whining children. However, you have to remember that every item of food consumed will come out again at the other end, and there are no toilet facilities on the hard shoulder. It’s a tricky balance, but you’ll be an expert by the time you’ve consumed your 22nd bag of Mini Cheddars.


After playing I-Spy for 30 hours straight while in a stationary car, a family could become cut off from reality to the point where sacrificing a child to the God of Forward Momentum would seem rational. To prevent a heart-wrenching Sophie’s choice of picking one, bring the Travel Monopoly, which will end with you all killing each other anyway.


The law forbids the consumption of alcohol while in control of a vehicle, but there’s nothing to stop your passengers getting plastered to escape the hell of spending their Easter weekend in a two-metre-square metal box with four other people. It’ll be miserable for the driver, but only until the drinkers pass out and shut the f**k up for a few blissful hours.


The belief that this horrendous experience will improve is crucial, otherwise what’s to stop everyone abandoning societal norms, taking a shit on the motorway and looting each other’s cars for snacks superior to their own? Just look forward to the moment you drive off the ferry in France and realise you can’t understand the signs and have to drive on the other side of the road. What a lovely, relaxing holiday.