SOME swear words are superior to others and should be protected at all costs for future generations to enjoy. Like these:
Bellend
Sophisticated, elegant and uniquely British, this is the Rolls-Royce of swearing, a design classic that never goes out of fashion. There should be a plinth in the Victoria & Albert Museum that simply reads: Bellend.
Twat
One syllable, four letters: this is efficient swearing that sounds excellent when bellowed loudly. Originally slang for genitalia, it now means ‘person who cut you up in the Asda car park’. Americans take note – it’s not ‘twot’, it’s twat.
Slag
You can shout it when you stub your toe, you can shout it when your best mate shags your boyfriend or you can shout it at a football player who’s missed a penalty. It’s pretty offensive and yet regularly used on EastEnders, making it as much of a national treasure as Barbara Windsor.
Wanker
The only swear word with its own action, wanker is as British as a cup of tea and a market stall selling disposable lighters. We will fight them on the beaches to preserve this one, or at least write it in permanent marker on the back of a bus seat.
Arsehole
Three key things separate us from the Americans: healthcare, gun control and the way we pronounce arsehole. Pleasingly rhotic and wonderfully descriptive, let’s stick a blue plaque on it before it’s lost to the creeping lingua franca of YouTube. Get the one off Shakespeare’s gaff if needs be, it’s the type of word he would have appreciated.
Berk
The sort of epithet you can say in polite company, berk is coy and offensive at the same time. It is actually short for Berkshire Hunt and therefore rhyming slang for a very offensive word, but don’t tell your granny or she might have a heart attack.
