Why this whole Ukraine invasion thing is a scam to claim asylum, by Priti Patel

RUSSIA invading Ukraine? Millions of refugees? In desperate need of urgent help? And you’ve fallen for that, have you? 

That’s why I’m home secretary. Because I alone recognise that this entire Ukraine business is nothing more than a staged scam to get on the British benefits train.

Had you even heard of the Ukraine before this? I haven’t, and I attended Keele University. They invent countries all the time over in Eastern Europe. So that’s dubious.

And I know plenty of Russians – they call by the office all the time, needing passports for this or that mistress – and they’re a very courteous, generous people. The tip jar’s overflowing. They wouldn’t be so crass as to invade.

But a few explosions on the news and suddenly there’s a ‘refugee crisis’ and they’ve all had to abandon their worldly possessions and come here. How convenient for them.

So I’m just supposed to take it on trust that these people were professors or engineers or whatever back in ‘Kyiv’ and let them in? When they’ve as good as said they consider themselves above honest work harvesting gooseberries?

Plus it would be racist. I already get that all the time just for not giving black people who’ve ‘lived here’ for ’40 years’ ‘compensation’ for being ‘wrongly deported’. I’m not letting in a load of dirty whites now. They’d blend in. You’d never catch them.

This entire war is manufactured so millions of deadbeats can live high on the Universal Credit hog. Well let the EU be the fools. You think Priti’s stupid? Think again.

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The Mumsnet guide to nuclear armageddon

JUGGLING a career, kids and useless partner is tricky for mums before thermonuclear oblivion’s added to the mix! Mumsnet regular Joanna Kramer gives her tips: 

Build a bunker

Make it as airtight as possible with a generator and wifi to stay connected to Mumsnet, and a chest freezer for provisions. Pretend to be gutted by the kids wanting potato faces every night when really you’re revelling in being a martyr to their basic taste. You used to love Thai!

Share trivial, confusing problems

Despite looming world war continue sharing your baffling and bitter grudge against a neighbour you lent a jam jar to which they never returned, even though it’s just a jam jar and it’s more the principle. Should you say something or are you being petty? Yes the four-minute warning’s gone off, but this is important.

Keep posting your weird sex issues

As the warheads strike keep hold of your priorities and post deeply personal sex questions like ‘Walked in on husband, shall we say ‘choking the chicken’, over the kids’ Peppa Pig DVD while muttering ‘take it piggy’. Is this normal?’

Consult Mumsnet over everything

A nuclear war needn’t stop you consulting wholly unqualified random people about every sodding issue, such as ‘Can I refreeze defrosted raw chicken?’, ‘Should I take the kids out to see the mushroom clouds?’, and ‘Does Calpol work for radiation sickness?’

Remain completely self-obsessed

As the situation deteriorates, Mumsnet will be full of posts like: ‘Bodies everywhere. Food supplies exhausted. Plague has broken out. Squads of men in hazmat suits killing the infected with flamethrowers. Will the examiner take this into account re daughter’s GCSE grades?’

Don’t forget to moan about the transgenders

It may not seem a priority with mobs killing and looting at will, but keep posting irate comments about transgender issues you’ve uncritically absorbed from the Mail, such as ‘I’m a woman, not a ‘person with a uterus’ thank you very much!’

Make your last words a humblebrag

‘Giant mutated rat ate our labrador, Rufus. Should have saved a few quid and got a rescue dog instead of a pedigree! Daughter in floods, but son got it with a homemade spear. Glad I paid the extra and got Japanese kitchen knives from Lakeland.’