PANCAKES are quick, easy and delicious, so why not ruin them by f**king about being fancy? These unnecessary twists will make every heart sink:
Use an unusual flour
Plain flour not good enough? Head to your local baking specialist for spelt, Ein’korn or diastatic malt flour that has been milled more, or less, or more authentically. The pancakes will have a bitter aftertaste and the flour will be found at the back of the cupboard in a year, teeming with mites.
Don’t whisk, lightly stir
Vigorously whisking smacks of working-class effort and electric whisks are gauche. Instead make hand motions gentle and delicate, like you’re wanking off a balloon. This is allegedly to limit the air you get into the mixture, but really it allows you to show off for longer.
Use a cast iron pan
You can’t sully pancakes with aluminum and Teflon. Instead use a heavy metal monstrosity whose immaculate surface can only be cleaned by a specialist rubber implement on the first full moon of the year. Once you’ve prayed to the gods of kitchenware, use your Le Creuset ramekin to gently tip the batter in.
Always go savoury
The best thing about Pancake Day is breaking the tedious taboo about not having dessert for dinner. But the elite eschew this notion and treat pancakes as an opportunity to signal their higher social standing by covering them with so many Mediterranean vegetables that there’s barely a hint of sweetness.
Don’t even consider Nutella
Artificial sugars are deadly to children, so favour natural ones that were vomited by a bee or cut out of an engorged plant ovary. As a replacement for chocolate buttons toss in a handful of cacao nibs: pathetic, small bits of unsweetened chocolate to tar your pancake’s surface like rabbit droppings.
One is plenty
Thinking of gorging yourself on a stack of syrup-drizzled pancakes? Heavens no. Finish with a glass of wine instead. Unlike common gluttony, drinking is an acceptable vice as long as the bottle was sickeningly expensive and came from a region you can pronounce correctly and smugly.