Spelt flour and cacao nibs: how to have a pretentious poncey Pancake Day

PANCAKES are quick, easy and delicious, so why not ruin them by f**king about being fancy? These unnecessary twists will make every heart sink: 

Use an unusual flour

Plain flour not good enough? Head to your local baking specialist for spelt, Ein’korn or diastatic malt flour that has been milled more, or less, or more authentically. The pancakes will have a bitter aftertaste and the flour will be found at the back of the cupboard in a year, teeming with mites.

Don’t whisk, lightly stir

Vigorously whisking smacks of working-class effort and electric whisks are gauche. Instead make hand motions gentle and delicate, like you’re wanking off a balloon. This is allegedly to limit the air you get into the mixture, but really it allows you to show off for longer.

Use a cast iron pan

You can’t sully pancakes with aluminum and Teflon. Instead use a heavy metal monstrosity whose immaculate surface can only be cleaned by a specialist rubber implement on the first full moon of the year. Once you’ve prayed to the gods of kitchenware, use your Le Creuset ramekin to gently tip the batter in.

Always go savoury

The best thing about Pancake Day is breaking the tedious taboo about not having dessert for dinner. But the elite eschew this notion and treat pancakes as an opportunity to signal their higher social standing by covering them with so many Mediterranean vegetables that there’s barely a hint of sweetness.

Don’t even consider Nutella

Artificial sugars are deadly to children, so favour natural ones that were vomited by a bee or cut out of an engorged plant ovary. As a replacement for chocolate buttons toss in a handful of cacao nibs: pathetic, small bits of unsweetened chocolate to tar your pancake’s surface like rabbit droppings.

One is plenty

Thinking of gorging yourself on a stack of syrup-drizzled pancakes? Heavens no. Finish with a glass of wine instead. Unlike common gluttony, drinking is an acceptable vice as long as the bottle was sickeningly expensive and came from a region you can pronounce correctly and smugly.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Taylor Swift announces release date for re-recording of Countdown to Extinction by Megadeth

TAYLOR Swift has announced that she is dropping her long-awaited re-recording of Megadeth’s seminal heavy metal album, Countdown to Extinction, at 6pm on 6th June. 

Swift has already re-recorded Red and Fearless from her own back catalogue, and has decided that the experiment went so well that she is branching out into the back catalogues of heavy metal acts.

Label executive Helen Archer said: “Fans were expecting a re-recording of her Grammy award-winning 1989, but Taylor loves to surprise them.

“And by re-recording this seminal Megadeth classic, featuring classic tracks Symphony of Destruction and Sweating Bullets, she’s once again confounded the industry with a distinct, but not entirely unexpected, departure from her previous work.

“She’s dropped plenty of hints, including being seen out and about with blow-dried hair resembling Dave Mustaine’s flowing mane and the appearance of the band’s skull-in-a-metal-visor mascot Vic Rattlehead in the All Too Well video.

“Some of her younger fans might be a bit taken aback, but Taylor is confident that real Swifties can follow her from country to pop to indie-folk to thrash metal and then to her true passion, acid jazz.”

Archer confirmed that the move means that Swift now owns Megadeth’s back catalogue in its entirety and will earn 100 per cent of all publishing royalties from it.