Yeah, it's the National Insurance that's f**king killing us, everyone agrees

BRITAIN has agreed that between inflation, rent, mortgage rates and taxes, National Insurance was definitely the problem in need of urgent attention.

A reduction in National Insurance to be announced in Jeremy Hunt’s autumn statement today has the whole country sighing in relief, with all their other financial problems trivial in comparison.

Susan Traherne of Skipton said: “Standing here on the brink of winter, there’s no doubt it’s the NI bill that I’m worried about. Thank God Jeremy’s chancellor. He knows what’s up.

“By cutting the National Insurance threshold or whatever he’s doing, he’s tackling our economic situation head-on. As I wrap myself in four blankets on the sofa this evening, I’ll drink a toast of tap water to him.”

Joe Turner of Nottingham agreed: “I had to remortgage in February, that’s costing me an extra £350 a month, the food shopping’s crippling and I’m running the car on fumes. Bloody National Insurance.

“Knocking a penny off that will save me at least £200 a year that can go to paying off my son’s student loans. Just when I think the Tories can’t win me back, they totally redeem themselves.”

He added: “Can’t wait to cash in that sweet state pension. When do I get it? Do I have to be 67 or 68 now?”

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Nation's dads to hold headlight-lit vigil for Top Gear

BRITAIN’S dads will be gathering silently in their cars and switching on their headlights in honour of Top Gear, they have confirmed.

After the show was cancelled due to health and safety concerns following a serious crash involving Freddie Flintoff, the nation’s fathers are coming together to mourn their tragic loss.

Stephen Malley, 51, said: “I can’t believe it. You think a lighthearted motoring show is going to be with you forever, and suddenly it’s just gone.

“Of course there’ve been ups and downs, like any relationship. It can’t always be classic Clarkson. Sometimes you have a phase of the Matt LeBlancs or, when things are really bad, a woman.

“But we’ve always come through it. Until now, when our hearts have been torn asunder, just because a couple of people were in life-threatening accidents. And maybe also because the viewing figures have tanked.

“This evening we’ll be solemnly driving our cars to patches of waste ground, doing a few respectful doughnuts, and then switching on our headlamps in honour of our beloved show.

“Then we’ll go home via Halfords because they’re open until 8pm and have got a deal on screenwash. It’s what The Stig would have wanted.”