Six people who are far, far too into Christmas already

HATING Christmas is going too far, even this early, but loving it as much as these psychopaths do comes close to pushing you over the line: 

The one with multiple advent calendars

Advent calendars already become redundant by around December 19th, when nobody gives a shit any longer and it’s open season on chocolates and alcohol. This twat’s so buzzed for the season she’s got a Heroes and a Lindor calendar forming a garish confectionery-dispensing wall on her desk and she’s counting down to the countdown.

The one with the huge electricity bill

Adorned with light-up Santas, mini trains, and some f**ked-up freaky things that are apparently elves, this arsehole’s garden has the carbon footprint of North Korea. The display is up and ready for the big switch-on and will be powered day and night to dazzle local wildlife into dashing under cars.

The one who mulls everything

Mulled wine is calming and grown-up once you’ve fished out all the f**king fruit. But nobody asked for mulled cider or mulled gin. They’re for getting pissed. However, this wanker’s brain was replaced with cinnamon sticks long ago. Visit their home and you’ll find Christmas spices even in their toilet.

The one with a full Christmas wardrobe

Ownership of a Christmas jumper is now mandatory. But this festive f**ker has Christmas leggings, loafers, leotards, and hats. With enough obnoxious Christmas clothing to last them every day of the year, even their socks sing carols. You comfort yourself by imagining how much the second of January hurts them.

The one who won’t stop baking

A fresh-baked mince pie? Why not? Seasonal brownie? Don’t mind if I do! Wait, do you ever stop baking? Are you the witch from Hansel and Gretel,  brutally churning out gingerbread just like Saruman created orcs? There is only so much dried fruit a person can take before longing for the simple fresh flavours of summer.

The ones who think their dog knows about Christmas

He’s got the same snowman pyjamas as them. He’s got presents hidden away. These bellends talk about making memories for him, forgetting he’s a canine who couldn’t give a shit that there is now a tree inside as well as out. Even the rip-off £20 doggy mince pie that will turn out to be just spam in pastry hasn’t disturbed their delusions.

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Successful person admits lack of working-class backstory

A SUCCESSFUL entrepreneur has confessed that she neither has a working-class background or is prepared to make one up. 

Emma Bradford, who has made her fortune creating software, has confirmed that neither she, her parents or her grandparents came from tough council estates they were determined to escape.

She said: “We weren’t rich. But nor am I prepared to pretend we were particularly poor.

“Did I watch my mum work her fingers to the bone in two jobs?  Sort of, but only in that she was a non-exec director for a local company and an IT consultant. Did I strive to have a better life than she did? Not really. She’s got a much nicer sofa than me.

“Bailiffs at the door? No. Just carol singers and stuff.  And yes, Dad did leave us, but only to go on the odd work trip and he always brought back Toblerone.

“Ex-classmates now all drug addicts or in prison? No. Largely they’re in white-collar jobs and earning in the high five figures, though I do worry they’ve not put enough into their pensions.”

Friend Eleanor Shaw said: “It’s so brave of Emma to come out and admit she doesn’t have a working-class backstory to fall back on. Such deprivation.”