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Zack Polanski not the first middle-class man humiliated by his plumber

ZACK Polanski is far from the first middle-class man mortified by his plumber being far more successful than he is, voters have assured him.

The Green Party leader’s failure in the Holborn and St Pancras by-election follows self-employed plumber Hannah Spencer’s victory in the Gorton and Denton by-election earlier this year and has made him feel an utter dick.

Joseph Turner of Kentish Town said: “Yeah, sorry Zack. We’ve all been there. I thought I was doing well in life until I had to get a tap fixed in my studio apartment.

“The plumber swaggered in, ignored completely that I was reading Thomas Piketty’s Capital, said ‘Didn’t realise these had been turned into bedsits’ and proceeded to show off his knowledge of pipes while ignoring my evident shame.

“Further conversation revealed he had a Fulham season ticket while I watch games at the pub, he drove a van while I have a Lime bike subscription, and he lived in a four-bedroom Georgian townhouse while I live in the attic of one.

“So I know exactly how Zack feels. I spent the next 18 hours with my face in my hands repeating ‘I’ve failed at everything’ over and over again too.”

Hannah Spencer, member for Gorton and Denton, said: “Oh dear. They don’t take it well, those types. I could offer him 20 per cent off for cash?”

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And so I stand here an innocent man cleared of all charges, by Andrew

SO the police were wrong to search my home, eh? That means I’m innocent, and if you’re innocent of one thing you’re innocent of other things. That’s just how the law works.

Since the warrants were illegal I am now cleared of misconduct in public office and, by extension, all other allegations about myself. Therefore I am a highly respected member of the Royal Family again, and I want those bloody titles back ASAP. Except Earl of Inverness. That just sounds shit.

I will be calling myself Prince Andrew again while I await official confirmation from the Palace and a list of engagements. Luckily I’ve cleared my name in time to represent the family at Remembrance Sunday, which will be a great honour and a humbling experience for everyone who meets me.

In private I shall be enjoying the simple pleasures denied to me recently. A visit to Pizza Express in Windsor, which I’m sure we all remember is a restaurant I definitely go to. Perhaps a trip to a traditional country pub, which is far more agreeable when you are not being called a nonce. 

I also feel it is time to get back on the ‘dating scene’. I’ve had my valet set up and manage for me one of the new ‘Tinderbox’ accounts. I realise I’m not as young as I used to be, and must adjust my age requirements accordingly, so I am open to rumpo with ladies up to and including the age of 29.

However there is still work to do restoring my public image. First I will be demanding that the BBC broadcasts an hour-long apology from Emily Maitlis lying prostrate in front of me as I sit on a large throne. Second, I feel now is the perfect time for another It’s A Royal Knockout. I have always been an excellent judge of the public mood. 

My solicitor keeps warning me there are still multiple ongoing police investigations, but I will simply update them on my status. ‘I’M INNOCENT NOW YOU F**KING PEASANTS!’ I shall shout at them down the phone, and I’m sure that will be the end of the matter.

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