A white home counties roadman gives up vapes an' henergy drinks for Dry January

FOURTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, explains da rank consequences of abstinence

WAGWAN? Say less. Man bare sufferin’. Parents made man give up da henergy drinks an’ man’s vapes after da schitz Christmas fing, innit.

Active J bare slept for three days when man swilled all him’s Prime and burned through him’s Christmas vapes. Man was rank ill an’ parents said man had to go straight for month. Bruv, dat made man even iller.

Da first few days was da bare rankest. Man woz vexed all of da time, guzzlin’ water, an’ sweatin’ even more water than man woz guzzlin’. Mental awake. How does givin’ up Monster make man feel sick, blud?

Den, hafter a week man gets bare henergy wivout bustin’ da henergy drinks. Wot ‘appenin’ there, cuz? Man does run up dem stairs, an’ heveryfink. Man woz hydratin’ wiv da fruity smoovies an’ da’ fruity juice, an’ cravin’ da broccoli tree to eat.

Man hactually thought Maccy D’s stank loud, an’ dat plantburger woz leng. Wot, bruv! An’ Miss Jackson woz for real shook when her’s found Active J playin’ footy on da hastroturf, hinstead of vapin’ an’ flexin’ swag fresh wiv man’s gyaldem.

But end come when Miss bigging man up coz man ‘anded him’s history ‘omework in on time, an’ man’s gyal Lady G an’ wasteman dickhead Drilla bare laughin’. Active J woz becomin’ a randomdem; a dead brand muggle, more time. Man ‘ad enough.

Dry Januhairy is over for man. Him’s went missin’ for time, but has returned from da deaddem crew. So spark up da bubblegum vape ting coz Active J is back, fam. An’ him’s peng gassed.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Crystal sex toys and fanny-based mantras: how to elevate your vag to a higher plane

IS your penis living in the present moment? Is your pussy on the path to spiritual enlightenment? Have your nipples achieved nirvana? 

Tantric sex experts tell us there are six chakras of pleasure, though focusing on the groinal ones can’t hurt. Recognising the spiritual needs of your fanny could pay orgasmic dividends, so recalibrate your hot harmony levels:

Crystal toys

Why wedge silky silicone up there when you could be getting off to the cold, unforgiving touch of an unethically quarried semi-precious gem? And if you’re going to stuff an egg up your arse, it might as well be rose quartz to promote compassion and tenderness in the heart of the medical professional removing it.


Not the boring kind you do to stay alive. The mindful, grunty and uneven breathing you do if you’re thinking about it. As you rigidly huff in and out, imagine sexual energy shooting up from your testicles or womb area towards your third eye. Now try to imagine having the patience and concentration to do this during sex.


The key to a good relationship? Communication. So if you really want to establish a spiritual connection with your junk, chat like it’s an orchid and you’re King Charles. And lie to yourself: ‘I am a sexual animal… I have regular, top-notch orgasms that satisfy my body and mind… not just when wanking…’


If ASMR can give you a tingly sensation when it comes at you through your ears, imagine the relaxation levels if you wedge your earbuds into your loins. The sound of a moron tapping their overly-long fingernails on a paper cup whispering ‘relaxxxxxx’ really grounds your penis.


If your aura is all clogged up with acts of passive aggression and unfulfilled dreams, most of them will stem from your crotch. Years of rejection and unstinting abuse are a lot for a cock to handle, let alone to cleanse from its energy field. Play a Reiki YouTube at it then have a wank, see if it’s worked.