Aries, March 21st–April 19th
Your nan can talk the hind leg off a donkey so, as penance, has named a donkey sanctuary as main beneficiary in her will.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Watch a history documentary series out of order to give the Vietnam War a trippy, Tarantinoesque vibe.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
I just get up and go wherever the wind, and the rail replacement bus, takes me.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
You’re shaken to discover that Stella McCartney is a nepo baby. Who next? Surely not Sean Lennon?
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
The Essex accent is consistently voted one of the sexiest accents, because if you hear it you know you’re be getting laid very shortly.
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
Dragon’s Den hated your ‘pasta for cats’ idea. You stood there sweating, spouting off carb-based variations like ‘bread for cats’ and ‘potatoes for cats’. Ultimately security had to escort you off the premises.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
You’ve started a five-a-side team with your step-brothers called ‘You’re not my Real Sociedad’.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Anyone here know Martin Scorsese? Because he needs to know that boobs are up there with the worst surfaces for snorting coke off.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
Adulthood involves opening a lot fewer time capsules than you were led to believe it would.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
“I’d now like to read a prepared statement. But I don’t have one.”
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Bet I can guess your PIN number. Has a nine in it, doesn’t it? Got you on the ropes now, you fucker.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
When staying in an unfamiliar hotel room, always check the kettle in case someone’s hiding in it.