Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Your nan can talk the hind leg off a donkey so, as penance, has named a donkey sanctuary as main beneficiary in her will.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Watch a history documentary series out of order to give the Vietnam War a trippy, Tarantinoesque vibe.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

I just get up and go wherever the wind, and the rail replacement bus, takes me.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

You’re shaken to discover that Stella McCartney is a nepo baby. Who next? Surely not Sean Lennon?

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

The Essex accent is consistently voted one of the sexiest accents, because if you hear it you know you’re be getting laid very shortly.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Dragon’s Den hated your ‘pasta for cats’ idea. You stood there sweating, spouting off carb-based variations like ‘bread for cats’ and ‘potatoes for cats’. Ultimately security had to escort you off the premises.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

You’ve started a five-a-side team with your step-brothers called ‘You’re not my Real Sociedad’.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Anyone here know Martin Scorsese? Because he needs to know that boobs are up there with the worst surfaces for snorting coke off.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Adulthood involves opening a lot fewer time capsules than you were led to believe it would.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

“I’d now like to read a prepared statement. But I don’t have one.”

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Bet I can guess your PIN number. Has a nine in it, doesn’t it? Got you on the ropes now, you fucker.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

When staying in an unfamiliar hotel room, always check the kettle in case someone’s hiding in it.

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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the Post Office bastards

WAKING with something of a morning head, possibly due to the cold snap, I also find myself projecting frequent plumes of brightly coloured vomit. I had partaken of shots. 

My private secretary enters and receives a receives a full consignment of my oral discharge unperturbed, wiping it away with a letter bearing the seal of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

‘Your Grace, exciting news!’ he says. ‘Saudi Arabia has put in a bid to buy out the Church of England and relocate it to Riyadh, lock stock and barrel. They’ll even dismantle and rebuild Westminster Abbey, because ‘they are exploring opportunities in faith-based spaces’.

‘They’ve offered five billion pounds. Of course, we’d have to tone down the Christianity and moral judgment but this is tremendous for our pastoral mission worldwide, surely?’

‘A most interesting proposal,’ I concede. ‘Let us put it to a higher authority. Let us close our eyes in prayer.’ Whereupon he does and I strike him with an empty rum bottle which shatters most pleasingly.

‘Th-thank you, Your Grace,’ he says, staggering out of my chambers. That matter dispatched, I read that former Post Office chief executive and Anglican priest Paula Vennells handed back her CBE after decades of false accusations against sub-postmasters.

Fuck me sideways, backwards and inside out, never mind sending back CBEs, the perpetrators of this need to be paraded from town to fucking town in sackcloth and shackles and pelted with rotten fruit and old Nokias! As head of the Church of England, alcoholic, atheist and 15 times winner of Most Swear Words in an Easter Address, it appalls me that a conscience-free twat like Vennells gets to wear a fucking dog collar!

Liam Gallagher and Stone Roses guitarist John Squire have joined forces to drop, to use the parlance, single Just Another Rainbow.

Yeah, it fucking dropped all right, dropped like a steaming turd out of a fat bull’s arse! Have you heard this mess? A pair of rasping, clueless refugees on a raft bolted together from Madchester and Britpop go through the motions to reproduce the lairy old grey trad bollocks that energised the most shiteating, gurning, monkey-dancing bunch of drug-addled twats of a generation! Fuck off with your random, raucous heap of rusty fucking shit, mutually wanked up by a pair of fucking chowderheads! The only thing conceivably worse than this would be a fucking Ian Brown-Noel Gallagher single!

Donald Trump is using his legal woes to boost his Presidential campaign. ‘TWICE in this final week, I will reportedly be forced off the campaign trail and into courtrooms for phony witch hunts’ he wrote in a fundraising email.

Tagnuts of Moses, you morally arthritic fascist fuck, will you just fuck off so that the world can fucking relax? Because if you get in, it’s over! And yes, we fucking know that America being one of the richest and stupidest countries in the world you’ll win despite a toxic Manhattan fatberg being fitter to run the country than you! For the love of God, just absolutely fuck right, right, right off!