FIFTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, is an adult now. Because he’s paid someone dodgy to prove it with a fake ID.
WAGWAN? Active J does not sleep wiv da big light on anymore, coz man’s ID sez him’s a genuine hadult an’ can now buy fruity vapes legit, over da counter, innit.
Do not grass man up, fam, but man paid a sketchy bruv to create a hultra-dodgy fake ID for Active J, coz dis Saturday mandem crew are goin’ to a gangsta moosic festival, an’ bruvs an’ gyals ‘as to be a hadult to get in. Man is hyper-gassed!
Dis is not da first fake ID man ‘as ‘ad though, fam. Last week man took Lady G to da cinema, innit, to watch a scary horror film ting dat woz an 18 rating to try him’s new fake ID dat Drilla’s older bruv sorted out for man.
We stopped at da fog shop first for cocktail vapes. Man bought Lady G a super-fruity Pina Colada, an’ Active J swagged a Tequila Sunrise. Man an’ peng gyal woz bare bustin’ bein’ hadults chuggin’ on our legit vapes, fam.
But at da cinema da wasteman ticketbruv hasked for ID, him sed: ‘Wot’s your date of birth?’
Man sed: ‘It’s on da card, innit. Does you need glasses, bruv?’ Den him sed: ‘I know you, you’re dat posh prick Hudson from three years below me in school dat finks him’s a gangsta rapper.’
An’ him confiscated man’s ID. Dat cost Active J 40 big ones, an’ 15 more for da Tango Ice Blasts an’ toffee popcorn, innit. Man woz not wastin’ dem, so we watched da Minecraft movie hinstead wiv all da fidgetin’ brand muggle toddlers goin’ to da toilet hevery two minutes. Man woz livid an’ ting. Dickhead Drilla got a poundin’ for dat. Some bruv ‘ad to.
So to get in da festival, man ‘as ‘ad to pay hextra for another fake ID, bare rapid. Active J ‘ad learned him’s lesson dis time an’ gave da sketchy bruv da hinfo manself. But forgot, innit, dat da ID would be posted to man’s crib an’ parentdem might open da henvelope, or hinterrogate Joshua to find out him’s secret an’ ground man.
So, Active J ‘as ‘ad to hinvent a sickie to be in for da post bein’ delivered, but not one bare rank enough dat man can’t bust swag at da festival. So parentdem told school dat Joshua ‘as da morning sickness, or sumfink. Turbo-nang!
Mandem crew all ‘ave da fake IDs, but dem’s all say dem is 18. Man is not takin’ bare risks like dat, Active J would look a hidiot if man sed him woz only 18, so on da fresh ID man is 25, innit. An’ dis time in da photo man is not wearin’ him’s clapped shirt an’ tie school ooniform. Man is wearin’ him’s boxfresh, head-drip Yankees cap an’ doin’ an angryman scowl, like Donny Trump on him’s mugshot.
An’ man made hultra-sure of bein’ a hadult by puttin’ ‘Bossman Active J’ as man’s name. Cannot wait for Saturday, fam, bare nothin’ can go wrong, innit. Gassed! Gassed! Gassed!
