Don’t be afraid to try your hand at a curry, by Colin the emotionally unstable chef

CURRIES are incredibly tricky and involved to make, right? Or is it just perserverance, cooking savvy and throwing spices at meat? What can go wrong? 

Buy your herbs and spices

I’m opting for a simple Goan chicken curry. Turns out I need coriander seeds, cumin seeds, black mustard seeds, nigella seeds, cinnamon, cloves, peppercorns, nutmeg, fenugreek, cardamom, red chilli, tamarind, masala paste, bay leaves and ghee.

I’m in the Indian supermarket fucking forever. No problem though, I’ve only got a mild throbbing sensation in my temples. It’s worse in the left one than the right.

Measure your ingredients

Now you need to grind and measure the spices. Wish the recipe was a bit clearer about quantities. Also it’s extremely boring. It’s not stressing me out though. Not me. Not at all. Okay, I did threaten to kill the cat, but I didn’t actually do it. I just got irritated by its FUCKING MIAOWING.

Prepare the other ingredients

Put plum tomatoes in the blender, marinade the chicken then brown it with some onions. Finally, put everything into a large pan and cook slowly for several hours. It doesn’t fucking stop there, though, oh no. Now make six nan breads and do the prep for fragrant basmati rice. This is starting to make life in a gulag look like a skive.

Still, it’ll be worth it when my guests try their authentic curry made from scratch. Shit, I forgot the poppadoms and chutneys. Fuck fuck fuck. I can sort this. Yes. I just need to control this anxiety attack. I assume this is normal for making a curry.

Realise something’s gone horribly wrong

The curry’s ready but something is amiss. A fuckton of herbs and spices and it’s weirdly bland. Hours down the fucking drain. My advice at this point as a chef would be to make sure any chairs you have in the kitchen are good and sturdy, because I broke one rather easily just by smashing it against the wall.

Have your spirit utterly crushed

When your guests arrive, nervously await their verdict on the curry. You guessed it, they’re not keen. Your despair gives way to rage. Hugh says curry should be cooked then left overnight for the flavours to develop. What does he know about making a curry? He’s from pissing Luton.

Fantasise about grabbing Hugh by the throat and choking him. Make a mental note to do a tagine next time.

Remember Indian restaurants exist for a reason

Like an addiction or a serious illness, try to walk away from this negative experience with a positive. I now know to never make your own curry when you can just get one fucking delivered.

I’ve come through it, but the scars will be with me forever. By which I mean I’ve got a drawer full of spices I’ll never fucking use again.

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Let's move somewhere the locals make no secret of wanting you dead! This week: Penzance

What’s it about?

The hometown of the man who discovered nitrous oxide is also home to locals who want you slaughtered if you were born north of the river Tamar.

Boasting the poorest neighbourhood in Cornwall, Penzance is known for the pirate-themed Gilbert and Sullivan musical which treats stealing as a viable professional career path. A lesson many residents appear to have taken to heart.

Any good points?

It’s by the sea. Apart from that, there’s the Wharfside Shopping Centre is the closest thing you’ll find to modern civilisation in Penzance. Once home to cutting edge attractions like MVC and Electronics Boutique, these days it’s fallen into disrepair and only boasts those cultural staples Costa and Iceland.

If you want a heart attack in your late 30s then you’re never more than two metres away from a Warrens bakery, or if you’re feeling upmarket you can always swing by Rowes for a fancy hand-crimped pastie.

Penzance also boasts an Egyptian house, the Penlee Gallery and the tropical Morrab Gardens, which all pale in comparison to Jim’s Cash and Carry on Causewayhead. Here you can pick up a Harris tile scraper for £1.35, which is even cheaper than Trago.

Wonderful landscape?

From Penzance you can see the still, glistening waters of Mounts Bay, which provide a stunning natural backdrop to the town. That’s unless you’re visiting during the winter, in which case the bay’s trying to move inland and smash up homes and businesses in the process. Kind of like a Londoner.

Thanks Penzance’s uniquely warm climate, caused by warm air and the Gulf Stream, there’s stunning foliage to be seen at the Tremenheere Sculpture Gardens. But, like everything in Cornwall except the wages of the locals, it’s not cheap. If you’re strapped for cash like everyone who’s not a celebrity f**king chef, save money by visiting it on Google Images.

Hang out at…

Are you a Northerner who believes Southerners to be soft, or an Essex lad who thinks himself harder than any piskie-fancying twat? Then challenge your prejudices by strolling into the Star Inn and making unreasonable demands such as a pint or the whereabouts of the toilets.

Once you’ve retrieved your teeth from the floor, head on down to Battery Rocks. Here, the ice-cold sea water will numb you to the agony of climbing over jagged rocks as you go for a relaxing swim. Sure, there might be a stylish Art Deco lido literally right next to you, but why pay for the Jubilee Pool when there’s sub-zero misery for free?

Where to buy?

If you’re from Cornwall, take your pick from the properties which are all out of your price range thanks to Londoners buying second homes and fucking up the housing market.

Look out for a family friend’s beloved home being punted as an ideal holiday rental. Feel your soul die a little. So what if you grew up here? Wave goodbye to your friends and family just so you can get on the property ladder by moving to Pendle.

From the northern hinterlands beyond the Tamar? In that case you might be able to afford one of the town’s shittier gentrified fisherman’s cottages, from which you will be hounded out by locals. They filmed Straw Dogs here, you know.

From the streets:

Wayne Hayes, aged 86, former lobster trap weaver: [indecipherable grunts with a Cornish twang]

Mary Fisher, 32, moved down from London: “I was inspired to move here after watching Bait and it’s just like the film. They really are hostile to your very existence! Everything’s not in 16mm monochrome though, which is a bit of a disappointment.”