OPPENHEIMER star Cillian Murphy might be Hollywood’s hottest property, but that doesn’t mean he’s above the occasional Amazon scam. They’re insured anyway, probably. Here are his tips.
Say it never turned up
I’m super-busy so I’m often forced to ignore my principles and buy the odd thing from Jeff Bezos. And you have to admit next-day delivery is pretty handy. However I take a stand by simply lying about the item never having arrived and getting a full refund. The simplest scams are often the best, and it’s served me well getting free athlete’s foot powder when I don’t want to spend £3.47. I’m fighting the power. And fungal infections.
Don’t leave loose ends
To get the refund one thing is key. DO NOT get photographed in a doorstep delivery snap. That’s a real smoking gun. What I do is simple. Whenever I’m expecting a delivery, like some 60W lightbulbs or a new chopping board, I get the makeup guys from 28 Days Later to spend several hours transforming me, head to toe, into a zombie.
That way, even if you get clocked, you have indisputable evidence you never got the parcel – it was sent to a reanimated corpse, and they’re not worth pursuing for the price of some oven gloves. I’ve saved over £14 with this trick since 2019.
Say your neighbour won’t give you it
As an actor, I’ve worked with some of the best writing and directing talent on the planet, so I know a thing or two about creating a convincing narrative. Mine is that my 78-year-old neighbour has lost his marbles and threatens me with a hammer when I try to get a parcel off him. It sounds pretty dramatic when I do it. I knew going to drama school would come in handy one day.
If that fails, just charm the Amazon rep by telling them you were in the Batman films and you can get them tickets to the premiere of your next blockbuster. Admittedly that only works if you’re Ben Affleck or another Hollywood A-lister, but who knows? Amy Adams might reading this and fancy a free cheese grater.
Stage a complex heist
If Amazon STILL won’t give you the cash – or the equivalent in vouchers – for the £1.99 you spent on some double-sided tape, then it’s time to bring out the big guns. I film and edit a complex heist video using my Ring doorbell then send it to Amazon HQ. Sorted – they can’t argue with video evidence of my parcel being nicked.
Just a word of advice if you’re planning to do the same – don’t make it obvious that the robbers are Tom Hardy and four-time Academy Award nominee Christian Bale. They’ll spot them a mile off and you’ll never get back the seven quid you spent on teeth whitening strips.