How to pretend your Amazon package never arrived and get a refund, by Cillian Murphy

OPPENHEIMER star Cillian Murphy might be Hollywood’s hottest property, but that doesn’t mean he’s above the occasional Amazon scam. They’re insured anyway, probably. Here are his tips. 

Say it never turned up

I’m super-busy so I’m often forced to ignore my principles and buy the odd thing from Jeff Bezos. And you have to admit next-day delivery is pretty handy. However I take a stand by simply lying about the item never having arrived and getting a full refund. The simplest scams are often the best, and it’s served me well getting free athlete’s foot powder when I don’t want to spend £3.47. I’m fighting the power. And fungal infections.

Don’t leave loose ends

To get the refund one thing is key. DO NOT get photographed in a doorstep delivery snap. That’s a real smoking gun. What I do is simple. Whenever I’m expecting a delivery, like some 60W lightbulbs or a new chopping board, I get the makeup guys from 28 Days Later to spend several hours transforming me, head to toe, into a zombie. 

That way, even if you get clocked, you have indisputable evidence you never got the parcel – it was sent to a reanimated corpse, and they’re not worth pursuing for the price of some oven gloves. I’ve saved over £14 with this trick since 2019.

Say your neighbour won’t give you it

As an actor, I’ve worked with some of the best writing and directing talent on the planet, so I know a thing or two about creating a convincing narrative. Mine is that my 78-year-old neighbour has lost his marbles and threatens me with a hammer when I try to get a parcel off him. It sounds pretty dramatic when I do it. I knew going to drama school would come in handy one day.

If that fails, just charm the Amazon rep by telling them you were in the Batman films and you can get them tickets to the premiere of your next blockbuster. Admittedly that only works if you’re Ben Affleck or another Hollywood A-lister, but who knows? Amy Adams might reading this and fancy a free cheese grater.

Stage a complex heist

If Amazon STILL won’t give you the cash – or the equivalent in vouchers – for the £1.99 you spent on some double-sided tape, then it’s time to bring out the big guns. I film and edit a complex heist video using my Ring doorbell then send it to Amazon HQ. Sorted – they can’t argue with video evidence of my parcel being nicked.

Just a word of advice if you’re planning to do the same – don’t make it obvious that the robbers are Tom Hardy and four-time Academy Award nominee Christian Bale. They’ll spot them a mile off and you’ll never get back the seven quid you spent on teeth whitening strips.

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Let's move to… the home of hipster wankers and yuppies. This week: Shoreditch

What’s it about?

Shoreditch endured pre-war decline and developed a reputation for crime, until it became a byword for ‘gentrification’ in the 90s. Nowadays residents are more likely to be arrested for not eating organically, with on-the-spot fines for men without bushy beards and skinny jeans. 

The former theatre and manufacturing hub, located in the East End borough of Hackney, is also known for its innovative use of space, from rooftop bars to squeezing four 20-something professionals into a two-bedroom flat, each chipping in £800 a month. 

Any good points? 

Shoreditch High Street offers a range of organic and ethical grocery stores for those who place high importance on being kind to carrots. 

For nightlife, spend an evening at The Queen of Hoxton, a self-proclaimed hipster paradise bar and club. Chill on the sofas or go to the rooftop bar to take in stunning views of the city and soak up the vibe of the dying hipster subculture that was pretty naff in the first place.

Old Spitalfields Market, the original Victorian East End marketplace, is now home to a wide variety of yoga classes, art fairs, sustainable fashion events and street food vendors. On Thursdays there’s a special antiques market and a bi-monthly vinyl sale, so make sure you remember which days they’re on to avoid those wankers. 

Beautiful landscape?

Not really, but you have got Brick Lane Vintage Market, a hustling, bustling jamboree of second-hand goods, vinyl records and kitsch ‘collectables’. Young arty types on the hunt for clothing most charitably described as ‘quirky’ will definitely find it here. The fun of the market is you never know what you’re going to get. Could be cholera, could be scabies, could be flea bites.

For flora try Columbia Road Flower Market, held every Sunday come rain or rain and invariably packed with hordes of hyacinth-clutching tourists. Turn up just before it closes to snap up a bargain and pay only 50 per cent more than you would have done at a regular garden centre. 

Hang out at…

Take your pick. The area is awash with pop-ups, cocktail bars and ‘speakeasies’. Well, who doesn’t long for a return to the gangland murders and alcohol blindness of the Prohibition era?

There’s a surfeit of theme bars like Trapeze and trendyish clubs like Lighthouse, but if you fancy something more highbrow try Shoreditch Town Hall, where you can see small, innovative, arty performances by people who are a disappointment to their parents. 

BOXPARK, so important it’s in capitals, is a pop-up venue turned Shoreditch institution, an eclectic fusion of trendy clothing brands, up-and-coming retailers and vegan, gourmet, artisan and global street food sellers – all in converted shipping containers. Great if you’re ever wondered what it’s like to be a box of imported Chinese plastic goods.

And don’t forget Instagram-friendly hipster hang-outs like Ballie Ballerson, the idiotically named bar where drinkers can frolic in ball pits, and the London Shuffle Club, where young people play a game more usually associated with cruise ships and retirement homes, yet inexplicably believe this makes them #cool and #blessed. Would-be entrepreneurs should get in now before someone opens up a hipster brunch and bowls venue.  

Where to buy…

There’s plenty of choice, from grand period buildings if you’re rich, to more modest new-builds if you’re also rich. 

With the area catering to both artistic types and young, upwardly mobile professionals working in corporate jobs nearby in The City, the area provides an unprecedented opportunity to live alongside both nutters and bastards. 

From the streets:

Gideon Jones, 27, organic kaftan artisan: “See you for after-work drinks in a ball pit?”