JUST like when a friend asks your opinion on a poem they’ve written, it can be hard to find nice things to say about your partner’s junk. But anything that may boost your chances of oral sex is worth a go.
If you’re struggling to big up something that looks like it was the result of a botched genetic experiment by a mad professor, you may need some inspiration. Help yourself out with this cheat list:
Lie
Most enduring sexual relationships are founded upon blatant lies, as you’ll know having said things like ’I’m so hot for you… I can really feel that… Yes, I’ve come…’ on a regular basis. So don’t feel the pressure to be honest, especially not when it comes to complimenting genitalia previously only seen pickled in formaldehyde in a Cabinet of Curiosities. Just tell him he’s big and tell her she’s tight and be done with it.
Trick yourself
Since it’s undeniably hard to come up with flattering words for something that looks like it should be growing on the Elephant Man’s face, why not think up plaudits for other objects and apply them here? Imagine you’re complimenting a new car, for example: ‘Love the colour, is that sunset mauve on the helmet? Feels as soft and buttery as calfskin. How many speeds does it go?’ You may not imagine they’ll appreciate their penis being compared to a Nissan Almera, but in the throes of foreplay you can get away with a lot.
Get poetic
Be creative with your words: tell her her vag is as warm and wet as a summer rock pool. Compare his dick to a big, hard fire hydrant. You may not be Chaucer but, in the interests of steaming things up in the bedroom, you can pretend to be. Why not really lean into that smutty Medieval language and attempt to get them hot by saying things like ‘ram that stif bourdon up my bedewed queynte with haste’. Remember, stumbling on new kinks is always a bonus.
Get the tone right
It doesn’t really matter what you say, as long as you say it with enthusiasm. So slap on a happy face and keep your tone positive and full of wonder: ‘Look at these veins! What does this lumpy bit do?’ Even if you lack the imagine to do anything other than commentate on what is happening in front of your eyes, you’ll pull it off if you sound encouraging enough: ‘Wow, look at that, it’s going floppy!’
Talk the talk
Dirty talk is essentially just bullshitting, so try channelling people known for their expertise in this area, for example politicians or candidates from The Apprentice. Talk yourself up by saying things like ‘As a sexual athlete, I would rate myself as the best in Europe’. Overstate the case when complimenting your partner too, but if you find yourself describing their clitoris as ‘bigly’, you’ve gone too far.
Keep things simple
While imagination always helps in the bedroom, it’s important not to overthink things. There’s enough to juggle during foreplay anyway, what with zips and bra clasps to manage, and farts to hold in. If fancy compliments are one thing too many to manage, a simple ‘Nice dick, babe’ or ‘Woah, now that’s what I call a vulva!’ will do just fine.
