I am the gammon Vorderman, Holly Valance confirms

AUSTRALIAN model and actress Holly Valance has confirmed she is the right-wing equivalent of Carol Vorderman.

The former pop star, who is married to a billionaire property developer, attended yesterday’s oxymoronic launch of Liz Truss’s Popular Conservatives to bring balance to the universe.

She said: “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So for every one of Carol’s leftie tweets, there is me.

“Think about it. She’s shacking up with five partners while I’m happily monogamous with my billionaire husband. She’s left, I’m right. I’m the Wario to her Mario, the Mr Hyde to her Dr Jekyll, stiffening gammon dicks while she softens them.

“Like her, I was hot a few decades ago. Like her, I sort of still am. We both had successful careers before turning political. But unlike Carol, I think Jacob Rees-Mogg will be the next leader of the Conservative party and bloody epochal as prime minister.

“We’re yin and yang. Our opposing political views threaten to pull the society apart, yet our similar appeal to middle-aged men – Kiss Kiss was 22 years ago, mate – maintains cosmic balance.”

Steve Malley of Reading said: “I’m a centrist so I can imagine the two of them getting it on.”

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How I'll escape being trapped in Taylor Swift's friendzone, by Ed Sheeran

TAYLOR and I have been platonic collaborators for 12 years, and that’s a lot of wanking. This is how I plan to finally make it out of the friendzone: 

Wear her down

I’ve been a shoulder to cry on for a decade, and there’s been a shitload of crying. Jake, Harry, Calvin, Tom, Joe, just arsehole after arsehole. But a few more and I’ll manage that transition to effectively-gay-mate to ‘woah, I never thought of him like that but sudden realisation!’ How? I’ve not worked that out yet.

Make her jealous

Get seen with a hot woman and hot women get interested. So I’ll nudge Tay-Tay into seeing me in a sexual light by faking an amazing relationship with someone else. It needs to be someone who can make her insecure, which limits my options a bit. I’m hanging with Margot Robbie, but I think I might be in her friendzone as well.

Cock-blocking Travis Kelce

This American footballer? He won’t be around too long. Still, I’m maximising the time I spend with them and every time he tries to get her alone I throw up an obstacle, like a cool new bar I just have to visit. When they finally leave me I go home, try not to picture them having sex, and cry. Any longtime friendzone resident knows this works.

Not writing her a song

Lovelorn men are always writing songs, and I’m a professional. The problem is so is she, so when I played her You’re So Sexy, Leotard Girl she ignored the subtext and criticised the melody, bridge, chorus and outro. And said ‘have you considered getting a drummer instead of always banging on your f**king guitar?’

More incredibly tense innocuous activities

Here in the friendzone every activity is charged with sexual tension. You can’t watch First Dates together wondering if this is when you’ll have that first kiss or if nothing will happen yet again. So the obvious solution is to spend more time doing those activities. I’ll see if Taylor fancies a stressful, emotionally exhausting cinema trip. That sounds nice.

Impressing on her that I am a man

Because we’re such great friends Taylor doesn’t appreciate I’m a heterosexual guy with needs and desires. So I’m emphasising my masculinity with remarks like ‘There’s a good documentary about V2s on later’ or ‘Sheffield United could be looking at relegation’. I reckon she’ll crack and shag me before I have to get into homebrewing.