Let's move to a city where Ed Sheeran shagged one of the locals! This week: Galway

What’s it about?

Widely regarded as the cultural capital of Ireland, this beautiful city boasts a rich history and proud identity, all of which has been entirely eclipsed by Ed Sheeran’s Galway Girl. 

If the thought of bumping into a ginger bloke’s one-night stand who inspired a crime against music appeals, then why not come to take advantage of the truly lax attitudes local authorities take toward drinking in public? Soon you’ll be making equally poor decisions.

Any good points?

In comparison to Ireland’s other large urban areas, Galway is far more affordable, due in large part to lack of access to an international airport. Once you’re here you won’t be leaving quickly.

Situated on the edge of the Atlantic Ocean, Galway has some of the best seafood in the world. Enjoy convincing yourself that ready access to mussels is worth spending 90 per cent of the year indoors sheltering from the massive ocean storms that batter the city.

During the summer the streets in the Latin Quarter are filled with a plethora of buskers playing traditional music late into the night. If you’re excited by dozens of bearded septuagenarians with tin whistles serenading you as you pass, this is a major plus. Otherwise it’s just culturally-excused noise pollution.

A huge number of working poets live in Galway. Consider the status of poets in today’s society and whether you would wish to be among them before visiting.

Wonderful landscape?

With the wilderness of Connemara a short drive west, you’re within spitting distance of more bogland than you know what to do with. There’s very little to be done with big muddy fields that you can drown in.

On the other hand, if you like being stuck in a traffic jam on a regional road because some sheep are ambling about the central divide, you’ll be in heaven. It’ll make a marvellous postcard. It makes for sheer driving frustration and possibly death, because those sheep really don’t understand the rules of the road. And if you want to write off your car against something more substantial, there are wild ponies.

Hang out at…

If you’ve ever wondered whether it was possible to eat a burger while simultaneously drunkenly fingering someone you’ve just met, why not head to Supermac’s on Eyre Square?

The Spanish Arch is a bit of old wall left to commemorate the fact that Spanish sailors used to come to Galway to sell wine and impregnate locals before pissing off again because they couldn’t stand the weather. Today, the Spanish Arch is the meeting point for some of the city’s more grizzled residents to drink cans of discount cider at noon.

The centre of Galway’s cultural night life is undoubtedly the Róisín Dúbh pub. With a nightly showcase of music, poetry and comedy, it’s full of infuriating, fanny-pack wearing American tourists who expect you to be thrilled that one of their great-etcetera-uncles lived here 150 years ago.

Where to buy?

If you’ve a sincere desire to live surrounded by posh Dubliners who’ve migrated west in search of cheaper property after ruining the capital, check out Salthill. While you’ll be resented by locals for contributing to gentrification, at least you’ll have an aquarium on your doorstep.

From the streets:

Lauren Hewitt, aged 34, said: “Why the f*** are the streets not paved? I’m sueing the council if I sprain my ankle walking in heels on shitting cobbles again.”

Tom Logan, former Londoner, says: “I wake up everyday and berate myself for moving to a city with weather so inhospitable not even trees can survive.”

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How to half-arse an obligatory birthday sex session

FANTASIES of being forced into sex are common. Fantasies of being obligated to go down are non-existent, because the blowjob you’re guilted into pleases nobody. 

But if you’re in a relationship, sex on your birthday is as expected as your partner lying about porn. And not just a quick endorphin release fuck: oral at the very least.

So if it’s definitely happening once a year – twice if you’re the Queen – and there’s no getting out of it, you might as well plan to get it over with. It’s not your bloody birthday after all, and if it was you wouldn’t have asked for a mouthful of fanny.

Think ahead

It takes more than a thoughtful gift to get you out of it. Total spend excludes giving head. But springing for an evening out on the big day, which seems always to fall on a Tuesday when you’re not in a foreplay mood, is strategic.

A ten-course taster menu or a trip to a theatre that’s two hours away means that by the time you’re home it’s close to midnight and there’s little time for anything adventurous. You might even get away with a hand job and then sleep. Boom. All over for another year.

Stay at home

If you stay in your own drab home, with sex-extinguisher children lightly sleeping just across the hall, expectations are pre-managed. Make the mistake of treating your nearest and dearest to a birthday night in a four-poster in the Lake District, or to be honest just a neat double in a clean and functional Premier Inn, you’re inviting depravity.

Crazed with the unfamiliarity of the surroundings, your normally tired wife will ride you like you’re a Derby winner then expect to be lavishly finished off with little or no regard for your twinging lumbar. Keep everyone’s hopes low by sticking to your own bed with sheets that haven’t been washed in a month.


If he’s insisting on making it the main event, like he’s still attracted to you or something, then cue up the greatest hits. Use the underwear from a few years back, lower the lighting so he can’t tell it’s gone grey in the wash, and encourage him to tear it off if he wants to. Sexy and saves you a trip to the charity shop.


Like a magician, if you lay on the flash and patter your audience won’t even notice that the showstopper ended with a quick fingering – the kind that ends with you saying ‘did you come?’ and her replying ‘not sure.’ Diamond jewellery is a great alternative to cunnilingus, and fake diamonds are way harder to spot than fake orgasms.

Pace youself

Can’t be arsed? Put effort into planning your lack of effort in advance. Pull tricks like holding back on their favourite sex act so it comes as a novelty on the night. And, if all else fails, there’s always anal.