WAKING in the crypt, I recall beginning morning service by performing a magnanimous ecumenical gesture. Taking wine at the altar, I felt the Lord urging me to crack an 1881 Châteauneuf-du-Pape.

‘The blood of Christ!’ I declared, holding the goblet aloft before imbibing it in a gulp. For emphasis, I repeated the gesture. And again, and a fourth time. ‘Fuck me, that’s good stuff,’ I observed and thereafter, all is a daze.

Staggering into the light, I receive the news that Michael Gove has retired from frontline politics and has been described as a ‘heavyweight’ and a man of compassion and erudition.

Christ’s loincloth hanging off a cockstick, Michael fucking Gove? That horrible, oily, Murdoch-fellating little shit? Have you ever seen the tosspot in real life? He’s 1ft 6ins, lives in a hollowed-out oak, has a wooden stick for a nose and a long fucking tail poking out of his shorts! He’s also got a magic wand he uses to fuck up every government department he’s ever been involved with! The one good thing Johnson did was to sack the fucker! A termite would have made a better cabinet minister than this pop-eyed, two-faced cunt!

Robbie Williams is back in the public eye having re-recorded his hits with a full orchestra.

Fucking hell, talk about slapping gold leaf on a barrel of baboon’s turds! What kind of pitiful puddle of a person would feel ennobled by listening to Rock DJ given the fucking full Wagnerian treatment by classical musicians thoroughly pissed off at wasting their training sawing and parping away to flatter the ego of a gurning shite like Williams! Fuck off to the deep hole of irrelevancy that was dug for you 16 years ago!

Former Newsnight presenter Emily Maitlis has revealed the forces within the BBC working for the Conservative government, which could well have affected recent elections.

Really? You don’t fucking say. None of us fucking noticed, after they invited Nigel Farage onto Question Time 35 times, that BBC News was about as balanced as a see-saw with Boris Johnson on one end and the Larry the twat Downing Street cat on the other! Pity you didn’t say anything at the time, eh? That might have fucking helped! 

Finally, Chancellor of the Exchequer Nadhim Zahawi has responded to the cost of living crisis by suggesting to the public that they use less energy.

Seriously? That’s all you’ve fucking got? Would it help the climate crisis if we exhaled less carbon dioxide? You fucking bastards think being in government’s about swanning about in private planes, handing out contracts to your mates and dressing up as construction workers like you’re in the fucking Village People. I’m Archbishop, and my private life’s my own fucking business, but when I climb into that cassock, hungover and angry, I do my fucking job. Your fucking job is to govern, you awful streak of prime twat, not state the horse’s arse bleeding obvious!