Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Do you remember your first kiss? Of course you do, it was only last Wednesday.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Ironic that Tom Cruise would fail the height requirement to be a fighter pilot isn’t it? Not really. That’s not what irony is.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

You’ve cleverly beaten the hosepipe ban by running it up your leg and out of your fly, making it appear you’re simply walking around your garden taking an infinite piss.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Is your favourite Bond Timothy Dalton? You may be entitled to compensation.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Environmentally disastrous, sure, but it would be fucking funny to see Liz Truss reopen all the coal mines.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

A business guru/keynote speaker/SEO expert wants to connect with you on LinkedIn! Little old you! This could be your lucky break!

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Breakdancing BA Hons, three-year course teaching basic and advanced breakdancing moves, the history of Bronx B-Boys and philosophy. Average graduate salary £85,600 pa.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

In the recently released uncut edition of Gone With The Wind, Rhett Butler says ‘Frankly you bitch, I couldn’t give a fucking shit.’

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Fuck watercolour classes. If old people are so hungry to paint shit, let’s get them painting bridges.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Self-driving car? What’s next, self-shitting trousers?

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Oh so asking how much the newborn baby weighed at birth is normal, but asking how much the mother weighed is ‘in poor taste’?

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

The Red Arrows should stop pissing about and have a crash.

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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... that utter cock Michael Gove

WAKING in the crypt, I recall beginning morning service by performing a magnanimous ecumenical gesture. Taking wine at the altar, I felt the Lord urging me to crack an 1881 Châteauneuf-du-Pape.

‘The blood of Christ!’ I declared, holding the goblet aloft before imbibing it in a gulp. For emphasis, I repeated the gesture. And again, and a fourth time. ‘Fuck me, that’s good stuff,’ I observed and thereafter, all is a daze.

Staggering into the light, I receive the news that Michael Gove has retired from frontline politics and has been described as a ‘heavyweight’ and a man of compassion and erudition.

Christ’s loincloth hanging off a cockstick, Michael fucking Gove? That horrible, oily, Murdoch-fellating little shit? Have you ever seen the tosspot in real life? He’s 1ft 6ins, lives in a hollowed-out oak, has a wooden stick for a nose and a long fucking tail poking out of his shorts! He’s also got a magic wand he uses to fuck up every government department he’s ever been involved with! The one good thing Johnson did was to sack the fucker! A termite would have made a better cabinet minister than this pop-eyed, two-faced cunt!

Robbie Williams is back in the public eye having re-recorded his hits with a full orchestra.

Fucking hell, talk about slapping gold leaf on a barrel of baboon’s turds! What kind of pitiful puddle of a person would feel ennobled by listening to Rock DJ given the fucking full Wagnerian treatment by classical musicians thoroughly pissed off at wasting their training sawing and parping away to flatter the ego of a gurning shite like Williams! Fuck off to the deep hole of irrelevancy that was dug for you 16 years ago!

Former Newsnight presenter Emily Maitlis has revealed the forces within the BBC working for the Conservative government, which could well have affected recent elections.

Really? You don’t fucking say. None of us fucking noticed, after they invited Nigel Farage onto Question Time 35 times, that BBC News was about as balanced as a see-saw with Boris Johnson on one end and the Larry the twat Downing Street cat on the other! Pity you didn’t say anything at the time, eh? That might have fucking helped! 

Finally, Chancellor of the Exchequer Nadhim Zahawi has responded to the cost of living crisis by suggesting to the public that they use less energy.

Seriously? That’s all you’ve fucking got? Would it help the climate crisis if we exhaled less carbon dioxide? You fucking bastards think being in government’s about swanning about in private planes, handing out contracts to your mates and dressing up as construction workers like you’re in the fucking Village People. I’m Archbishop, and my private life’s my own fucking business, but when I climb into that cassock, hungover and angry, I do my fucking job. Your fucking job is to govern, you awful streak of prime twat, not state the horse’s arse bleeding obvious!