Let's move to an extremely wealthy left-wing utopia by the sea! This week: Brighton

What’s it about?

A dilapidated seaside resort on England’s south coast which appeared in Quadrophenia and hasn’t done anything notable since, Brighton is the unofficial gay capital of the UK and within commuting distance of London.

That means cool Londoners can pop down for the weekend, have a hedonistic night out at the Queen’s Arms, ignore the city’s homeless problem, then shuttle back home to tell all their friends about their bohemian weekend.

If you’re ready for a social life containing more failed aspiring DJs than Ibiza in 2002, this is the city for you. Marvel at your lowly place on the food chain as seagulls swoop down on your fish and chips to assert their dominance.

You’ll need a full-time corporate job and five quirky side-hustles to fit in and afford the tiniest of bedsits the city has to offer, so you might as well move to West Worthing, like four out of five supposed Brighton residents.

Any good points?

Brighton is famous for its progressive outlook as well as being home to the only Green Party MP, Caroline Lucas. This sounds wonderful in theory, but it does mean that if you’ve ever eaten a bacon sandwich or called the police after a burglary you’ll be regarded as a fascist by the mysteriously wealthy locals.

Culturally there’s always something to do in Brighton. Want to see comedians hone their act before realising they can’t afford to take their one-person show about their privileged upbringing to Edinburgh? Komedia and the city’s comedy festival are bound to pique your interest.

And no article about Brighton would be complete without mentioning that it has a pier you can walk onto, piss away the best part of 30 quid with nothing to show for it, then walk off again. Exhilarating. There’s another pier, but it’s a ghost.

Wonderful landscape?

Brighton’s biggest selling point is its beach, which combines pebbles you wade through with filthy, ice-cold water best enjoyed from a distance. You’re never alone on it, not even at 4am, so you’ll never feel relaxed or safe.

The desolate view of the English Channel can also be relished from the i360 observation tower, universally beloved by residents due to its beautiful appearance and affordable tickets. What a thrill to see uninspired street art from a higher elevation for £15 for 20 minutes.

There’s also Brighton Pavilion, a culturally-appropriative palace built for Prince George from Blackadder the Third, and the famous Sussex Downs. They’re gentle, unexciting hills for the elderly.

Hang out at?

The Lanes are a popular shopping destination for locals and tourists alike. Here you’ll be able to pick up a second-hand flannel shirt for the bargain price of £30, browse but never buy vintage tat from Snooper’s Paradise, and if you’re lucky you might be able to find a Los Pollos T-shirt in one of the many hip clothes shops. Don’t hold your breath though, these are extremely rare.

If you’re a cooler-than-thou hipster, be sure to plug your laptop in at one of Brighton’s many happening coffee shops before longboarding your way to the Green Door Store to watch a band you will immediately disown as sell-outs if they get played on 6Music. Eat like a proper Brightonian at vegan buffet Foodilic, chewing chunks of cold butternut squash in a cramped room while onlookers glower at you through the window, waiting their turn.

Where to buy?

Brighton is overflowing with spacious, multi-bedroom houses that are well within your budget if you’re one of the many vloggers who have followed Zoella by moving here and ruining it. For normal people living on regular salaries, your options are the pavement or a houseshare with a dozen creative types, and even then cramped bedrooms in Kemptown are so in-demand you’ll be on a waiting list for years.

If you want to say you live in Brighton while not actually living in Brighton you could always move to nearby Hove. This upmarket area has none of Brighton’s charm but the houses are just as expensive. Alternatively, just move to Worthing and lie when you pop in to Alcotraz at the weekend.

From the streets:

Ryan Whittaker, 28, said: “Fatboy Slim lives here. That’s not an endorsement, it’s a warning. Run.”

Steve Malley, aged 49, said: “Ah, the sea. Everyone goes in it once.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Phillip Schofield is an Aries and Holly Willoughby is an Aquarius. Those queue-jumping, piss-on-the-little-people Zodiac signs can fuck right off.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

The difference between Ed Sheeran and an Ed Sheeran tribute act is negligible.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

You’ve just put up your 25th video on YouTube complaining about black hobbits. That’s shown everyone who said you’d never amount to anything.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Famous Cancerians include Natalie Wood, drowned in a mysterious yachting accident, and Lord Mountbatten, blown up by the IRA on his boat. You and Harry Styles should stay on land.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

If only you could eat canapes for every meal, instead of twice a year: once at the wedding of someone you don’t care about and once at an event your work puts on expounding the virtues of voluntary redundancy.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

‘Surely once you’re up Shit Creek you don’t need a paddle, because you can just ride the flow of urine to the open sea?’ argues Liz Truss, with her trademark insight and logic.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

It takes 10,000 hours of practise to become an expert at something. Unfortunately you chose the kazoo.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

God, it hurts being ripped off by your coke dealer. I mean the one guy you thought you could trust, you know?

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

The Royal Mint has revealed the new pound coins with Barry Chuckle on the front side and Paul Chuckle on the back, with the motto ‘Ad me, ad te’.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

You’ve decided to splurge on one of those fancy projectors. Now all your problems are Remainers’ fault.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

‘Self-love is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting,’ said Shakespeare. Pull that out next time you’re caught wanking in front of Emily in Paris.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Capitalism: a political system for dogs, run by cats.