Mash Blind Date: 'I do not remember agreeing to be part of some fucked-up experiment to see if opposites attract'

DO opposites attract? We sent environmental activist Chartreuse the Eco-Clown on a date with right-wing Brexit and Boris voter Gilly to find out. 

Gilly on Chartreuse

First impression?

He was dressed as a clown. An orange suit with plastic vegetables on, a bright green wig, and a red nose. So my first impression was that he was dressed as a fucking clown.

How was conversation? 

Initially, and I think understandably, it centred around his outfit. Then he explained that he’s a children’s entertainer teaching the young about the environment. I explained that climate change is a hoax. It went as you’d expect from there.

Memorable moments?

When I told him I’d voted Brexit and his nose fell off into his vegetable soup. He’s a vegetarian but he claims it hasn’t left him unable to ejaculate, which contradicts what I’d heard.

Favourite thing about Chartreuse? 

He tried to explain himself, even though everything he believes in is bullshit and he was dressed as a clown. Sometimes he came close to sounding rational. Then I’d say ‘But tax is unfair, because it’s paying for other people to have stuff’ and he’d fall silent.

A capsule description? 

Make-up isn’t just skin deep. I really believe that even without the make-up I would have realised the man opposite was an absolute fucking clown.

Was there a spark? 

It would have been like kissing salad.

What happened afterwards? 

We discussed that every one of his liberal beliefs falls apart under a second’s pushback, that he really cannot consider himself worthy of respect as a human, and that he shouldn’t vote. Then we shook hands and parted ways.

What would you change about the evening? 

I would have liked to date a man.

Will you see each other again?  

There is zero chance of that happening even by coincidence.

Chartreuse on Gilly

First impression?

They told me to come in the Eco-Clown kit. It’s an act I do for schools. My real name’s Oliver and I don’t habitually wear a bright green afro wig. Anyway, my first impression was of her absolute horror. Which I fully understand. Because they made me come as a clown.

How was conversation? 

Anxious to get past the whole clown thing, I explained that Chartreuse the Eco-Clown is an act for primary school children about global warming, climate change and our unsustainable capitalist lifestyles. She informed me everything I’d said was total bollocks and had I heard of Piers Corbyn? So it went downhill from a point where I wouldn’t have imagined downhill was a possibility.

Memorable moments?

A procession of them. Every time I awkwardly changed the subject we hit another red flag. She voted Brexit, voted Boris, believes all vegans will die in five years of their diet ‘unless they’re cheating’, and believes that we should enter a war. I asked against who but she wasn’t fussy.

Favourite thing about Gilly? 

She was surprisingly progressive on trans issues. Until I explained that trans women are a different thing to drag queens, after which she was shockingly primitive on trans issues.

A capsule description? 

Attractive, in a male gaze sort of way. Cordial. Diametrically opposed to me in every possible way on beliefs and values.

Was there a spark? 

I do not remember agreeing to be part of some fucked-up experiment to see if opposites attract. No. There was not a spark.

What happened afterwards? 

I went back to my liberal echo chamber, as she accurately put it, and explained that I had met the enemy. They asked me if I converted her with rational argument. They could not believe that was not possible.

What would you change about the evening? 

Ideally I’d prefer to meet someone there was a possibility of agreement with, on one single issue. Also I wouldn’t be in my fucking clown suit.

Will you see each other again?  

I’ll see her in every Twitter troll I argue with, every Conservative victory, every blow to the marginalised people I ineffectively, as she told me, champion. But otherwise absolutely not.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

On Friday you finally unmask former Secretary-General of the United Nations Ban Ki-Moon as grafitti artist Banksy. It was right there in the name all along.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

There’s no way you’re going back to working in the office, especially after you were fired for gross incompetence and charged with embezzlement. You’d like to see them try!

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

You’re fully aware it’s bad luck to break a mirror. But that twat was giving you the eyeball so you went in with the head. No regrets.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Stop filling up that online shopping cart and visit your local, independent retailer. Then you can at least see how big 14 inches actually is before you commit.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

This week you will meet a tall, dark stranger who brings tremendous good fortune. Or you should, but your Nan won’t open the door to him because he sounds foreign.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Like a Virgo, touched for the very first time, by Barry Hassall behind the chemistry block after the school disco.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

FIXED PENALTY NOTICE: you discussed contemporary Iranian cinema in less than glowing terms while in a signposted liberal area. Pay £60 within 28 days or £120 thereafter.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Drake’s a Scorpio. Your pathetic little life could not be more diametrically opposed to his life of mansions and girls and success. And you still believe in this astrological bollocks?

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Whichever spammer emailed ‘Hey whats up, want to kiss my tits’ wildly overestimated your erotic stimulation response time if they thought you’d last long enough to click the link.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Who’s the bastard in the black? Darth Vader maybe? He certainly fits the criteria.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

‘Take care of the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves’ sounds great until you’re up in court on charges of pound neglect.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

‘Dress for the job you want, not the job you have,’ is what you’ll tell HR when they ask why you walked into a key stakeholder morning meeting wearing assless chaps.