My crap 2021 wedding only happened to get that twat Cummings off the front pages. I'm owed this one

From the diary of Carrie Johnson, Britain’s First Lady

I AM owed a wedding. A proper wedding befitting a princess, which I effectively am, at a proper country house. Because that one last year was fucking shit. 

It’s been an eventful year. Who even remembers Cummings doing his big dump on the Commons floor today? But at the time it was such a massive deal Big Dog came through the door and announced we were getting married.

‘I know,’ I said. ‘I Zoomed Lulu Lytle about it today. She said that the custom elephant-shaped pavilion can be brought in for under £650k and Lord Brownlow’s sending her a cheque.’

‘No,’ he said, ‘we’re getting married on Saturday. I need some positive publicity and you’re it. Gove’s biking a dress round. Be a good girl and don’t make a fuss.’

A fuss? I was fucking furious. But I saw the advantage in hitching quickly and sold it to myself as the ultimate PR move: what greater sacrifice can a girl make than to plight her troth for a Sunday Times front page?

Still the resentment burned. I was promised a proper wedding, like the Beckhams but elevated by six levels of class. I was promised 400 guests at Chequers. Then he fucked up Chequers.

‘You have pissed on my dreams,’ I told him, the night he quit. ‘The dreams of a beautiful woman who could have been anything she wanted. My wedding’s ruined. I might spend the rest of my days drinking prosecco in my wedding dress, like Miss Havisham.’

‘Christ,’ he said, six cans into the stout. ‘Making it all about you. Look, things fucked up. I’m the first to admit that. Let me put a call in to the Bamfords.’

‘I am not having dancing JCBs at my cunting wedding,’ I screamed. ‘Not that,’ he said. ‘Daylesford. They’ll let us borrow it if I promise him I’ll get Truss to cut all working hours regulations when she gets in.’

‘That,’ I said, ‘will do for a start.’ Because I’m not difficult. I just maintain standards.

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The Shawshank Redemption: could it perhaps not be the greatest film of all time?

IT’S been top of every popular movie ranking for more than a decade. For good reason, or is it shite? Warning: spoilers for a movie everyone currently living has seen 15 times.

It’s a fun caper with prison rape

Andy Dufresne suffers horrific sexual abuse on a daily basis for years, all while running an accountancy hustle and working on escape. All of which adds up to a very uneven tone, like combining Ray Winstone in Scum with Trading Places’s frozen orange juice hustle.

The plan could very, very, very easily go wrong

It takes 17 years to dig the tunnel. During that time the Blu-Tack is infallible and there’s never a basic cell search. One breeze, one split drink, or one inappropriate ejaculation could have blown the plan at any point. Presumably Andy took care of his cellmate’s sexual needs to avoid the latter eventuality.

It’s f**king lucky Andy is an accountant

If Andy wasn’t an accountant, he’d have no skills to trade and the whole film would collapse, so it’s as well he wasn’t a feng shui consultant. Looks like your parents were right about accountancy – it pays well and gives you something to fall back on when wrongly convicted of your wife’s murder.

Cliched prisoners

There’s Brooks the institutionalised old-timer who works in the library, and of course Morgan Freeman establishing his godlike persona as the wise old inmate who knows how to play the system. And Andy, our likeable hero, is the old favourite: the innocent man. Yeah, there’s some ambiguity, but why else does the kid who knew the killer get shot?

The poster plot hole

How did Andy re-affix the bottom of the poster after climbing into the tunnel? Apparently he just let it hang down which is bollocks but whatever, sometimes nerds need to just f**king let an inconseqential error go. Is some kind of wire hook that pushes tape down really beyond this escape artist’s abilities? Say that happened. Done.

The fans

Excessive hype can put you off anything, even if it’s good. Shawshank fans claiming a film you watched on VHS in 1995 and forgot about is the greatest movie ever? When they’re comparing it to nothing more than Star Wars and The Matrix? If you mentioned The Godfather they’d say: ‘The Cod Barter? What’s that? I don’t like Iranian cinema.’

No women

Why do film bros really vote for this in their droves? Because there aren’t any women in it. There’s Andy’s wife, a cheating whore who deserves to die, and that’s it. We establish that neither Red or Andy is gay via the Sisters and then it’s one long bromance, ending with their embrace on a beach. Because without women, the world finally makes sense.