IN 1977 a really good space action film came out. In 1980 it had a great sequel. 42 years later, it’s time to put the franchise out of its misery:
It’s been bollocks since 1983
George Lucas was on course to make the perfect trilogy, but nobody makes the perfect trilogy. And, true to that rule, he threw it all away in one Ewok-powered swoop, Leia’s gold bikini and C3-PO being mistaken for a god. AT-STs getting crushed by a couple of logs? Fuck off.
The prequels and sequels add nothing
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, the universe was really very small. The whole saga revolves around some loser farmer, a couple of his mates and his dad. You meet more people at university. A small circle of friends and relatives doesn’t warrant a swathe of spin-off media that takes days to sit through.
Even the good stuff has been retroactively fucked
Remember how terrifying Darth Vader seemed when you first saw A New Hope? Or how the Force felt like some mesmerising, other-worldly superpower? Yeah, well, it turns out the Emperor’s right-hand man built a fussy robot and the Force is genetically inherited and measured by testing your blood for midi-chlorians. So that’s shit.
There’s a real lack of imagination
Imagine a planet that’s all desert. Or one that’s all ice. Or one that’s all lava. Or one that’s all city. Now imagine a planet combining all these environments and more. You’re on it. George Lucas did not stretch himself when coming up with locations, even before we went back to Tatooine again and again and again.
It will never, ever end
With each passing year the ratio of good to bad Star Wars becomes smaller and smaller, like an accelerated Simpsons. But Disney paid $4.05 billion for it – for context, the .05 there is £40 million – so they’re never going to stop churning out films, TV shows, and themed self-help tapes for adults who should have left Star Wars behind decades ago.
Have you seen The Rise of Skywalker? Fucking hell
The Force Awakens was Queen playing the hits at Live Aid. The Last Jedi at least tried to push the saga in a new direction. The Rise of Skywalker is indefensible horseshit. Palpatine’s alive? Rey’s his granddaughter? He has a secret, massive fleet of Star Destroyers? In a just universe this film would have sent Star Wars to the trash compactor for good, yet here we are. Compelled to endure this diminishing-returns franchise forever.