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This week in Mash History: Marie Antoinette invents being a dickhead influencer, 1770

THE name of Marie Antoinette, consort of Louis XVI of France, has endured almost entirely because of how fit she was. But did you know she also invented influencing? 

Her combination of attractiveness, wealth and being completely out-of-touch with reality are familiar to anyone who spends too long on Instagram. And it is now believed her ability to be absolutely f**king everywhere directly drove the ‘paysans’ to storm the Bastille in 1789.

A recovered transcript of a speech Antoinette gave to the starving of Paris in 1783 reads: “Bonjour, what is up you guys? I hope you are having a fabtastic Fri-yay. C’est moi, back with an update on our crazy lives.

“As you can see, I’m wearing a three-foot-high poof inlaid with a couple hundred pearls, a panache of ostrich feathers, and today’s dress is made of indienne – much nicer than that nasty French wool! I know you’ll want to get the fit, so use my code ‘HABSBURG-LORRAINE’ for free delivery on feathers.

“You’ll be as très excite as me to hear that work on mine and hubby’s hamlet is getting there slowly, hard as it’s been having the neoclassical architects in!

“It will be so brilliant for the kids when it’s finished. A chance for them to visit a real farm without even leaving the palace grounds and to understand the ordinary people being played by our servants.

“I’ve got to be real, I’m having a tough day. These harvest failures are really taking a toll on me. The chefs will not stop complaining about how much harder it is to secure foods or the conditions in the fields. I’m an empath, so I’m very sensitive to negativity.

“But I can’t let haters get me down. To those of you who write pamphlets commenting on my spending taxes to gamble, party and buy diamond wallpaper, I have two words: Be Kind.

“And if you, my loyal fans, are also having a bad day, just remember to eat that cake. Like and subscribe! See ya!”

So Antoinette continued getting high on her own bullshit, and is the reason why many today again feel the need for guillotines in public squares.

Next week: to AD 95, where John appears on a series of Middle Eastern talk shows to explain he wrote his own Gospel ‘to set the record straight and speak my truth’.

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Your astrological week ahead for February 17th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Any school’s a boarding school if you forget to pick your kids up.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Murder she wrote, larceny she sang, aggravated assault and battery she communicated through the medium of modern interpretative dance.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Listen, we’ve heard the songs, we’ve seen the film, but has anyone here actually ever worn Prada?

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

“I want to thank you. For the advice you gave me? That flying fuck at that rolling donut was the best sexual experience of my life.”

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

This message is sponsored by Subwayminal AdverTizering.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

The thing with opera is, how do people know they can do that? Can you do that? Have you ever tried?

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Einstein’s theory of relativity, Gödel’s incompleteness theorem, Von Neumann’s paradox: all invented by Peggy Shufflebottom. But she knew they’d never sell under that name.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Scorpio is the sexiest sign of the zodiac, as represented by the sexy, sexy scorpion.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

A middle-class red light district: oboe lessons, French teachers, ballet schools, all shouting lewdly at passing Volvos for business. ‘Private tuition’ signs in phone boxes.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Change the expression ‘cost of living’ to ‘price of not dying’ and it sounds way more dystopian.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

‘Dogger?’ ‘No, German Bight,’ you tell the stranger in the woods.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

All you want is to walk into a room and receive the applause reserved for a sitcom’s celebrity guest, one who has a well-known connection with a cast regular allowing for a series of knowing jokes the audience laps up.

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