The Archbishop of Canterbury on... why nobody should be in the f**king Eurovision Song Contest

WAKING up in a cryogenic freezing machine, I lift the lid and wonder at what point in the future I have arrived. 

I purchased the 1970s contraption on eBay and put it to the maximum setting with a view to escaping the less than gracious age of the 2020s. After imbibing several bottles of overproof rum with no fear of a hangover, I settled myself down, adopting the repose of a medieval saint.

I clamber out. My bedchamber is remarkably as I remember it. I go to the window and scan the skies for jetpacks and hovercars but find none. I check the machine – it says ‘February 2024’. It seems this was as far as it was capable of projecting, meaning I have been in it for three weeks. Brilliant. 

Sending for a sledgehammer I methodically smash the machine to pieces then take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that the American election is likely to be a close-run thing between the eccentric septuagenarian Donald Trump and the forgetful octogenarian Joe Biden.

Hitler’s missing gonad on a fucking kebab skewer, is there not one other person in the entire United States under the age of 75 who’s prepared to put themselves up for running the country? Talk about a fucking gerontocracy – if Henry Kissinger hadn’t died he might have had a fucking go at it! If you ask me, no one over the age of 60 should be allowed to vote, let alone stand for political office. Now we’ve got a fascist orange nutjob in an eight-foot-long tie and some old fuck-fossil who needs cue cards to remember his own name. Give the fucking country back to the Native Americans and have done, you Yank twats!

Rachel Reeves and Keir Starmer have both pledged to restrict public spending, on the basis that under the Conservatives the country ‘maxed out its credit card’.

Will you fucking stop it with this condescending, economically illiterate bollocks? THE ECONOMY ISN’T LIKE A FUCKING HOUSEHOLD AND IT’S GOT FUCK ALL TO DO WITH CREDIT CARDS! If you believe that you’re an idiot, and if you don’t, you’re a cold, cynical fucker who should bypass politics completely and go straight to hosting your own podcast for ageing centrist cocks! I mean, what kind of a household has some members of it sleeping rough in the fucking garden, for a start?

Boy George and Helen Mirren are among a group of celebrities who have signed a letter condemning calls for Israel to be thrown out of this year’s Eurovision Song Contest. They feel such an act would reduce the competition to a political tool.

Sure, let’s not let a small matter like a war affect the integrity of the Eurovision fucking Song Contest, eh? Israel shouldn’t be in the Eurovision because they’re not in fucking Europe, for a start. But the main problem is no one should be allowed in the Eurovision Song Contest because there shouldn’t be a fucking Eurovision Song Contest. A gigantic, camp waste of everyone’s time that should have gone the same way as fucking Miss World decades ago!

Finally, it seems that British Gas’s profits have leapt from £72 million to £751 million in a year.

Well, that’s fucking heartening, isn’t it? A feelgood story about a British-owned company defying the odds during a cost-of-living crisis and turning a huge profit. Makes your fucking Union Jack garters ride up and down with joy, doesn’t it? You thieving bunch of extortionist toerags! People freezing but as long as your fucking mates have got their snouts wedged in an overflowing trough than all’s well, eh? I hope you fuckers spend eternity where there’s no need for fucking central heating! 

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Haha, the thumbs-up emoji and other texts people send when they don't fancy you back

A TEXT reply from your crush should show barely-concealed longing and lust. So why are yours bland placeholder messages? Here’s what people text back when they’re just not feeling it.


You spent two hours on that jokey anecdote, crafting it from its beginnings in reality and adding false but believable details hinting at your large bank balance, kindness to children and animals, and highly attractive genitalia. And what do you get back? ‘Haha’. It’s ringing in your ears like mocking laughter, which is odd for a text message.

The thumbs-up emoji

Far from being a sign of positivity, this is in fact a conversation ender. And, therefore, a future relationship ender. Although it means the sender may actually give the thumbs-up in real life, and you don’t want to date a bellend who acts like the Fonz.

I’ll check my diary and get back to you

You’ve suggested going to a Japanese horror movie marathon based on knowing their interests from some perfectly normal 3am Instagram stalking. However, they have to ‘check their diary’. You have apparently found the only person still using a Filofax in the year 2024, and it’s worse because they’d rather not do an activity they’d definitely enjoy than do it with you. Jesus, you must be a nightmare.

I’m really busy right now

Yes, busy shagging someone else.

Any posts on social media

They’re too busy to text you back, but they’ve done a 22-tweet thread ranking Doctor Who assistants in the order in which they’d sleep with them. Get back on Tinder and save yourself the heartbreak, because you are irrelevant to them, unlike Clara f**king Oswald.

Abrupt cessation of texts

After a short exchange of texts, which you took to mean you were getting along brilliantly and would soon be having passionate sex and planning your wedding, they suddenly stop. You feel sick, betrayed, used. But you were only swapping semi-amusing texts about how shit work is so you can’t confront the heartless swine toying with your emotions like the evil sadist they are.